Riddles of Debauchery

Or ... "Riddles of Salvation" ... I suppose, depending on whom You ask or where You come from. And what could or should be a simple inquiry into a matter is thusly scattered into the fourwinds.

And so I find it difficult to see wisdom in this, yet, for starters ... I've been poking around a lot of places, trying to get something going; Where there may or may not also have been - or still be - some secret Sex Cult. I mean, it's not obvious or apparent if there's some such thing, so I guess I just kind of take it as for granted ... because why else would people practice a religion such as the one or the other. Shrugs.
Or ... what else would You do with a lot of money as part of a group of people that specifically has that money for looking good/sexy?

So, it may be the ultimate irony - in a way - that every where that I would turn I've ran into the walls of some weird fetish thing; And I certainly at no point REALLY tried to become a part of any. I mean, if You don't know they're there, there's no way to ... . You can't knock on doors that You can't see ... or reach. For once.
Then I'd also be either be too much of this or too much of that ... prior to being the way I am now where ... I would just generally try to stay away from such places.

I mean, assume perhaps that my Clarity would have been an entirely different one. I might be Cheeseray McVirtuous the Untouched ... I don't think it would have made a difference. I mean, sure - from me You have confessions where else there would merely be suspicion, but what kinds of confessions do You have from me? Of wrong-doing? Or of "cringe"? And anyway did I at no point really act like ... I wanted: 'to be a part of something like that' - but rather acted 'to create something new and wonderful'.

(I've recently stumbled upon X-Files Season 10 in my collection and I must say that yea, naturally "they" would want to recruit "Dana Scully" to become part of the chosen Elite. I mean, ... the Episode with "the Guy" - it's a really good episode over-all, if not to highlight why I too would choose her to be part of my chosen Elite - nudge nudge wink wink. But, what am I to say there? Either way. It's like, 'either way' people "rather have me leave them alone and seek fortune elsewhere" - ...)

In other words: "They" would have to make You turn Your back on ME - to which I'm sure they made sure that it doesn't merely scratch the surface. I'm sure there's some "I don't care how she is" in there. What sticks is whatever image is painted over it, I suppose.


I mean, you would think that if I were in league with the Devil, I'd know a little better how to be appealing. And if this is me looking at this wrong, ... then ... ugh. I mean, by now anyway I would hope that the "onlookers" here are of a more diverse background where no particular selection bias, from my end anyway, is driving "the engagement". And so I think I can close the lid on this particular nonsense ... however much fun there might yet to be had from looking at it so.


But so is it from Your end ... a "riddle of Salvation" that would be what the "conundrum here" is all about. I, for my part, have to wonder about what it is that 'I want'. Or how to put it.
I mean - at this point You have me act like ... the whole "Sex Stuff" is a legitimate corner of the pie. Because I believe in it so. But I also can't help but feel like I'm staring into a dark abyss while I should be looking at other things. Dreams of a Fallen Angel could just as much have been about ... building a Utopia. "Dreams of a Better Morning" perhaps. And yea, like so - what it is instead would seem like a waste of time and energy.

But fundamentally there's some common factors in play. Specifically the dead ends of Maybe which is where the rest of You would come in. To much of the same ... "fallout", or "fallback". I'd say that if You really wanted more, You could always ask to which You'd have a collective response that pretty much boils down to: Well, we want to be better able to assess the various aspects of it. To which I had to say, at this point: "Fine, then that's it!".


I mean, I've come to a point where I'm convinced that I have to be and act unbearable - until I'm satisfied.


To say: There is no Plan, at least from my end. Only ideas. Some may be more and others less actionable. We'll have to see what works and what doesn't ... but I don't think that You understand that and so ... we're at an impass.

Have I led myself astray? Was I too lazy or too ... heartless? Too ... whatever? Too keen to see an end/conclusion to this such that I wouldn't second guess my decisions more thoroughly? And now? Who's there to catch me?


...


[Sigh]. And sure, if this is the kind of stuff that my mind (is to) revolve(s) around, then there isn't much in terms of ... "LUST" ... or whatever going around for me to be concerned about. And it might just be where the conundrum ... 'ends' ... at this point.

In the grand scheme of things there just has to be enough reason and competence going around to "carry this". Starting with the basics, moving on to the more complex; It's a demand that imposes itself. Who believes, why we believe ... that's second to the believing itself and what motivations emerge from it.

Call it then Military or Political or Clerical ... we should be able to get some framework from it that is then yet to be filled with life. But when I look at it ... what I see is ... like a broken mirror, laying shattered on the bottom of a dark abyss.
Every sliver of hope that I had, every bit of joy that kept me dreaming ... is now like a cut - the shattered mirror being a symbol thereof, thinking of shards of glass I had to, or yet have to, pull from my heart.


Maybe I exaggerate, but still I find my life empty; And myself in need of ... I don't know. TLC would be fine, but ... where would I find it? (Wo)manning up ... would be the alternative. And sure, at the end of the day ... whatever life brings ... .

But so is this just another way to come to the bottom of the same conclusion as before. Not to say that life can't be mundane. I'm quite certain that it has to be mundane; But cold and empty?


I for myself ... don't think it matters much at this point. Whatever it is that I'm looking at. Until I'm looking at something real, it's neither here nor there, probably; And whatever is left is then like dirt I'll have to swipe off my feet. I mean, whatever "I'm not seeing", whatever it is that "You want to tell me" ... let it be that I'm emotionally in a weird place where I stare into the abyss to basically just hurt myself ... just to feel 'something' ... it doens't change that there's nowhere I can look ... without it being so. I wait for the truth ... and it shall claim its own.


Diversity is a thing. And how does one plan for it? Or how to make plans for it? With it? How to order it; Or structure it? When its inherent beauty lies within its ... otherness?

Like so does the Gardener not tell its plants how to Grow, it merely provides conditions - and rough outlines perhaps - for them to grow to become themselves.

I - myself - am a wild plant; To the effect that I like myself a little bit of chaos. Wild in a way that might be considered "cringe" for the jealous onlookers can't help themselves but seek flaws in my ways. Too much chaos? Not enough chaos? Well, whatever. This isn't supposed to be a competition.
I say of myself that I'm easily swayed - so, frail or fragile might also be words to describe me. But then maybe more like a Bush of Thorns, which - once it has tangled itself into place, is tough and sturdy.

But what I'm trying to get at is, that I know that once I fall into a good mood, I easily lose sight. I lose myself in the mood. I'm starting to feel "too good" ... as a saying goes. And without the proper entanglements, so the story should go I presume, I might just be kind of lost when in that state. I suppose there is no particular need for a particular entanglement - one way or the other - for nobody should be so blind as to have no sense of self-regulation. And on top of that I'm also not really "a party people".

But overall, well. I mean, maybe 'debauchery' is the wrong word; Except ... in the right context it just does enough of the right thing to be ... a word of reason. To say, on one hand ... debauchery ... if we start by thinking away its positive or negative connotation ... comes naturally. In different ways to different people. We feast, we celebrate. Of the one or the other thing we like to take a little bit more than would be appropriate. After all, the best things are for free and if we want to do right by each other we'll see to it that a lot of stuff is free. Enough to have some extra here and there. And while some would prefer the one thing over the other, it might balance out in the end.

Or should. Or would. Whatever.

Greed, or Avarice, is a form of that. When You have to work hard just to make ends meet, You don't have much desire to work harder because that would come on cost of the space that You could fill with the spoils of Your labor. If You have fulfilling work, You might do it just for the heck of it - but then there's already more wiggle room between the things You can and cannot have. But once You take what shouldn't be Yours, it comes as for free and You can enjoy it as such. But then, who is to draw out the limits? And eventually You just hoard wealth and waste resources ... and find some way of calling it the way of all things.

I think it's fair to look at it that way. Even if ... it's not perfect.
And it isn't 'free' - as in a world where we mutually see to it ... . I'm under the impression that the rich and wealthy have a hard time understanding this. They build walls around their hoards and end up wondering ... how this land of fairies and unicorns might operate. And so they won't share, but with those that have already - but one way or another those walls have to come down; I'd say.
Something something ... camels and needles.

The problem, the heart of it, seems to be that they don't have what they have out of communal wealth. And however little they do to deserve it, as from a communal perspective, would inform how they think and feel about the value of things. To say that ... "they earned it" and thus are under no obligation to share any of it.

And that's the quintessential problem with Capitalism. That "the hoard" is no communal consideration, but a cancerous growth of individualism.


And there's a fine line - I'd say - between that and "dark communism" as the other extreme. If we insist that we look at that end of the horseshoe where it's either just this or that.


Here then debauchery - on either end of the extreme - is a concept born from already twisted, or possibly wicked, circumstances. And as there is no ethical consumption under capitalism, we're all somewhat guilty of it. One way or the other. Like, what is Gunpla? I would have to call it a guilty pleasure - one that Judas would have been greatly upset about. All that plastic, all the waste that goes into the production and comes out the other end. But I'm sure that by merely taking care of Your body hygiene You already waste more plastic than my Gunpla obsession. And maybe so things balance out again. It's like ... Nerds are taxed by the cosmos for having their energy budget spent on things other than "product".

The same can be said about Beers or Candy ... where the packaging has some gold print on it. I mean, that gold ... or "gold" has to come from somewhere ... and then ... goes into a landfill or whatever.

There have to be better ways. It's ... so much of what we're used to today probably just started as a band-aid solution; But then the economy kicked into high gear and there was not enough of anything to give it a second thought. Then an entire economy would emerge around those band-aid solutions; For better and/or for worse; Creating then however a 'demand' for those wasteful practices because of those mouths that now felt entitled in a share of the pie.

In a Box of Gunpla on the other end, there's barely any waste. A sheet of stickers maybe.


And it's a double edged sword. There's a lot of things that we have ... thanks to the waste ... that would then allow us to ... how to put it? I mean, technology has over time become more energy efficient - although that then is offset by the overall higher utilization of technology. But there is a potential that we might not have dared to explore had we ... well, ketp living in caves. I mean, an open fire is also not the most energy efficient way to heat and cook.

I think.


And I don't want to say that life now has to be this way or that way. But overall ... something has to give. And if we start being the ones, we have to find ways to compensate. I mean, if we ... humanity ... start being the ones to "yield" ... to drive back ... we need to find ways to compensate for the shifts in ... whatever ends up being affected.

And sooner or later there would be no other way, but in some reliance on the collective will, to come by.

To make ends meet.

But then we also want to do, or be more than just ... making ends meet.


But yea ... that hamster wheel ... I've been threading for a while now. So ... "I digress".


So, what does that mean for me and my ... "ambitions"? ... ugh ... sigh. I don't know why ... but somehow this question makes me angry. Principally I want to live in a world where "having money" doesn't mean anything. "And yet" I feel like ... I'm getting judged for having or wanting anything at all; And how does that make sense? Well, "they (the other they?)" don't feel like they have to answer, but still I care to know why they care at all.
So ... is there a legitimate question in there somewhere?

I want to say: NO! I want to say: In case You think there is ... find Yourself the closest wall ... and "ponder it".

Because that's what I have to do; Every time I come around to this.
If we want to do something together and You see any value in having me around then maybe we have to start by some budget that would encompass my housing and sustenance. We'd have something going and as cooperation would unfold we might have ourselves some kind of a monastery where I could flip back and forth between personal and important matters - while all in all having a way to grow. I mean, I don't know what else to say. This would be the ... most basic version where it doesn't matter whether I find some personal attachments or not. You would have to trust in me to some extent, where the Monastery would be more like 'my place' than a prison camp ... where maybe we might on occasion also just be there to have fun. Playing videogames or ... smoking weed while throwing ideas against a wall. Whatever.

Next to whatever other demands arise as the Church becomes more of a thing as such.

And sorry, I don't know how to plan for that. I think of my own, which is to say: What I can do. What I want to do. What I do spend my time with or what I rather spend my time with. So, if You worry that all that this were about were about sponsoring a debaucherous lifestyle that You'd be stuck looking at in horror - to call it a 'scam' - then You too aren't thinking enough about the bigger picture where we want to have a lot more going than just "my place". But between my current situation where there's LITERALLY NOTHING to go off of; And that ... whatever it might be where we however have SOMETHING to go off of ... that's probably the way to go.

Beyond that we're talking about Clarity ... which ... is the part where the "pondering" becomes a "smacking".

I mean, either I have to accept that my thoughts on the matter are bogus which is where we're back with the basics; Or they're not and there should be more than enough in terms of ... housing and sustenance going on to cover that end of the story. And ultimately it'd be roughly the same; Depending on whether I'm head of the house or someone else.

I mean, I should at some point expect to be traveling a lot - and to have my bearings with me I'd need assistance of the one or the other kind; To the point where I picture myself to have an entourage that would be more so around managing that "concept" of me than just me individually. So, at the very least I'm looking for volunteers and at best I'm looking for a higher and deeper synergy within my relationships.

But sure. I guess ... the easier way would be to just say: Give me Your money and become part of my estate. Wherever that will be. What else would You want me to say?
Or think?


Like sure: It wouldn't be much of a monastery if there were no real work of that manner. If there were no reason to be where I am other than to ... "do stuff". Which isn't to say 'Sex' because before we get there I'd have to find myself willing. And if all of this has to be so complicated then I'm not sure if the whole 'mood' thing is going to work out the way it should.

And whether it does or doesn't - shouldn't be either here nor there. More or less. Technically it'd be a good thing if we had the mood and the whole thing became a Gnostic Satanistic stronghold rather than a neutral Monastery. There should still be enough going around to ... make the whole thing be what it is supposed to be. We just should look to not build it on a matter of ... having financing problems. While the economy runs on money we have to manage that way ... and as things take a more final shape ... however we want to measure that ... things just have to "fall along". I would probably end up with multiple estates of some kind - as, either one would in and of itself exist for a different reason with a different collective interest in them; But to begin with ... one just has to take a first step. Or in other words: DO IT!


What BOTHERS me is that without being public there's nothing ... like, as it says in the Bible about putting the Light on a pedestal. I don't feel like I'm put on a pedestal at this point.