Being Upset - A Confession

It's been a while ... since I sat down in my comfy chair to write something. It's a whole different feeling; It's also like ... totally different parts of my brain are being activated.

And then there's the whole ... novelty of it. I'm sitting in a different position, looking at the screens from a different angle ... .

It's like I've never done this before. "Like a whole new game". So ... I'm relaxed - although still a little weak - and it's also like we've opened a whole new chapter. So, instead of sitting there on this uncomfortable spot where I'm trying to write something chill but sit there like I'm butthurt; I'm sitting in this comfy spot, trying to write something butthurt but sit here like I'm chill. Cool!

So, I came home from an appointment - I had two today and in between I tried to fix some issues with my bank. Somehow I have money on my account but I can't access it. Turns out ... there's an impoundment or what to call it on it - so, I suppose I can't access it until those debts are cleared; And I'm really upset about that debt. I really don't want to pay it; I feel insulted by having it in the first place; I feel like I'm in the right, at least I know that they're in the wrong, but ... money is a rich man's game I suppose; And I'm neither.

So I had a little internal argument with God - You know, trying to be honest; Because HE really ... . Well. I suppose this debt is punishment of some kind; Trying to play the money game wihtout having any - like, every time I look at that PG RX-78-2 I can't help but feel like it's the cause of all of my problems. And it couldn't quite possibly have been worth it; Certainly not in respects to the money that went down the drain.
It was expensive enough as it is; And the whole Christmas building it - it was really worth it. But I suppose ... it was ... that little bit too good to be true.

But from signing this Contract with Vodafone, down the whole adventure with ... not knowing what to do but to cancel their withdrawals ... until something would come up unto missing that opportunity, twice, ... it felt like I had no say in the matter. No chance but to ... suck it up. On the other side I suppose my money issues are about to get resolved; I'll get the money I'm effectively owed for the last few month - and as that's rolling in the impoundment is getting paid off - I can pay my rent and then I'm only left with ... so and so much debt, we'll have to see.

Phone Bills, Internet Bills ... Electricity ... Insurance. Not too too much, but I was used to having that money from the Arbeitsamt - getting an expensive phone - where, with Jobcenter money ... it's all rather slim.

So, I'm upset ... like ... it's not only insulting, it's like ... cheating. They sold me on a thing where I would remain on my old contract until that one's expired and then change to vodafone; But they just made it really weird and confusing and then wanted to get paid anyway - which is where I started to just cancel their withdrawals, hoping that eventually I might plead my case and maybe be right. But well ... not with my resources I suppose.

And sure enough ... I blame "the You" - "my Love" and cohorts I assume. That thing I just wrote about; That time where the depression resurfaced ... I just realized that that was before I was infected by "Big Squid". So, everything since then - that thing included - I can blame on You. And sure enough; I suppose I have to dive deeper into the mysteries of the mind and soul - diving deeper into the matters of depression and cognitive hardships - to come to a conclusion as to how much can realistically be expected of a person; Such as me - and to find whether or not I'm really guilty of anything in this matter.


Because that's what I get to hear; Like always. It's so easy this, it's so easy that - just do here and there and so and so; "You can do it"; While I'm like "Hey, I'm really struggling here!". Then it's also like ... they act like I wanted to do everything by myself - like I'm not interested in help or company or support or any such thing; But I suppose they're right - ultimately - in that I sure don't need help or company or support or any such thing 'like that'. There's no two ways about it; They showed their hand - it's a big stinking fuck You - and there I was believing that I might have friends. And I didn't really choose it either. It's just ... like the whole vodafone thing. I was kind of there in the beginning of it all having done a thing I maybe shouldn't have - call it a lapse of judgment. I certainly didn't think much of it - but a lot in hindsight.

It also gets me when I watch Stargate or Star Trek and they're a team and help each other out and leave no one behind and all that ... well, I sure can't relate. Then i recently started to watch married with Children again ... and yea, there's something I can relate to. And by the way; While watching Season 2 I had to notice ... Peg Bundy ... is kindof ... Kathryn Janeway. And in Season 3 Episode 1 ... Miss De Groot ... that's Chakotay.

There are certainly some striking similarities.

Saying: If You're like Peg, maybe in 300-400 years You'll finally have made something of Yourself.

And if You're like Miss De Groot - well ... You still have some ways to go too.

Though, I'm not sure about that last bit. We don't get to see her a lot.


So, I suppose it all comes down to that mail from court. Some big form where there's a box I could have checked to disagree with that vodafone claim and ... had I mailed it in in time ... things could have been different. But ... I just had a complete paralysis moment looking at that thing. I also had received the thing way too late; So I blanksed out, didn't do it, waited. Then I checked my mailbox again, got another letter, checked the date and it was too late again. Well ... and that's the story.

Some of it. I mean, around that time the Landlord had decided to change the looks of the front door and stuff. At some point I also had lost my keys so I had to invest 200 bucks to get back into my appartment; So I had a new keyring and was kind of too lazy to add the keys to my mailbox to the new one ... and that how I kind of didn't check my mail regularly anymore.

So yea, all things that I admit are aspects of personal failure. You can point to the word 'lazy' up there and say; Yea ... that's it!

"Case Closed!" - thanks for nothing.


And sure enough; As I was writing that ... at some point that odd feeling in my knee came back up. And so it goes.


Where was it? "Decided to ignore it" I suppose. I mean, I tried to explain the "complete paralysis moment" - but just putting it like that isn't much of an explanation, is it?

But that's the thing. I was staring at this thing and ... I just could not do it. I was like shocked, paralyzed ... perhaps because I checked the date and saw that I was late. But it happens rather often. I do get forms sent to me that I have to fill out ... and something inside of me just checks out. So, at that appointment today there was someone looking over my shoulder while I filled out the really simple form ... and ultimately I'm glad I brought that mail with me. I was about to "take care of it myself" - and probably would have ... I mean, since it's important and on the forefront of my mind ... taken care of it eventually. But then ... while filling it out I noticed that they were also asking for some documentation that I didn't know much about. Where to get it ... in time, how to ask for it, whom to ask for it ... it's one of those things. Fun with beaurocracy. Anyway. With the right help it's all done now ... another person did a fine job earning her money ... I'm grateful and so, now everyone can know that I need help with certain things. These kinds of things in particular. And more.

Yet I can't help but feel like I'm judged for it. And sure; I guess, in the narrow scheme of things - that is: What parts of my life come through to You given that they only do so when I write about them - I'm generally really proud of myself. And I keep telling You that all things considered I'm socially competent and self-confident. But I sure am no salesperson. Like, that last appointment today; There was an issue. Somehow getting a PDF of the account transactions on PayPal is a real pain in the ass; And it takes a bunch of time for it to generate. Who knows why? So, I was given the opportunity to come back later to finish that part - went into the city to check with my bank and then was back half an hour early. I would have sat there - twisting thumbs for 30 minutes ... though the idea was there that I could ask the person at the reception where that room is that I heard of where I could get some coffee.
It had also been fresh on my mind that some voice told me to withdraw cash from my account "before it would be too late" - but again I thought I knew better or was too lazy or otherwisely occupied and I missed the opportunity and now with that impoundment on my account I can't access the money that's on it. So ... I'm back to having like ... 10 bucks in cash.

So I figured - maybe I should utter a wish - that I might in the future listen to those things. And God, HE ... I don't know. Sometimes I want to asphyxiate HIM. HE's like, go up there and ask - but ... all "dressed" like that asshole figment that tends to attract all my ire. So I was like ... not sure if I wanted to listen anymore. But well. Eventually that subsided - and since I was just sitting there and time barely went anywhere, eventually I felt comfortable asking.

So ... I am ... a troubled individual. Given that I'm incapable of having anything more than a superficial conversation ... so, yea. There's a lot of stuff still burried.

So, where does that leave me?
I'm shy, I'm weak, I lack self-confidence ... and I'm incompetent. In so and so many scenarios. I'm not ashamed to admit it; But I am ashamed of my failures. So, there's that. But yet You'd be acting like ... I don't know. Any way one might tie me a noose out of it I suppose. There's really just one way about it I suppose.

I also really struggle with online stuff. I hate to deal with all these accounts I'm supposed to manage. Every time I want something it's like "Username and Password" and I'm like "errr ...". "Let's leave that for later". I'm not, and that's the simplest way about it, in the right headspace for all of that nonsense. I come home; I want to do the stuff I want to do ... and not ... spend "the whole evening" trying to figure out what it is that's being asked of me.

And sure enough. Whenever I do force myself to get something done I'm kind of proud of myself.

And there is real stress - and even dissonance - that comes with these things. Like, while I was still in vocational training there's the hour to work and the hour back home from work - which gives me enough time to "get charged". On occasion the work would be easy enough that I could also develop ideas while doing the tasks. So, when I come home and I get a curveball like that - it's like physics. There's a tanker truck rolling down the highway ... downhill ... and there's a mini parked on the crossroads. Well, let it be a SUV ... with police lights ... it might make a difference on the surface ... but the boolean result doesn't care about the nuance of the issue.

Now, when I can't access my Windows - like back when I still used Windows - and I have to jump through hoops to get back in; Then yea, that's where the physics work! Or if I'm prepared for it - like, when it's that time of the year again where the Jobcenter is asking for the usual nonsense. Well, even then I barely get shit done in time. There's this thing ... with the vocational training where the ... let's call it a guild ... that's responsible for the exams had this fun idea to manage their stuff via some online account; So, instead of just sending me the mail they send me the mail informing me to check my account. Yea, welcome to the 21st century! And when I type in my password and they're like "Well, it has to be so and so long and alphanumeric and please also use one of these symbols" I'm like ... "errrr".
I don't know. I mean, maybe they don't ask me to check my account. I don't even know why I have it. They'd be fair enough to send me the when and where the exams are by mail. Good enough. They also seem to know that I'm going to have an exam; Else they wouldn't know to ask me to register. Sigh. Good intentions I suppose ...

Then I'm somehow supposed to write my password down somewhere ... and by the next time I'll need it I ... sure will remember where it is P). Yea, sounds like a me problem! And so it is!


I really need someone that's obsessed with cleanliness I suppose. I mean, if they were starting to move about doing stuff I'd have a moment's notice and my bad conscience would kick in, I'd get distracted so I couldn't continue doing whatever I'm doing and I'd be able to help. Unless I was really in the zone.

I have my own comparison. Compared to everyday issues my mind is like an Aircraft carrier. So, speaking of the Tanker Truck. To say, it takes a while to turn it around; I would assume. Speaking of mental dexterity. So, I'm not flexible. But when I'm in my element; I'm like a Dolphin ... or some such thing. Obviously.
And I don't care if You have Your "easy ways" with managing such things. I could be mean and say: "Yea, You have nothing else to do with Your life anyway!" - and it must be true. I mean, people who are obsessed with cleanliness CERTAINLY don't have "more important things" to take care of; So ... what does that mean?
I'm sure there are those that feel degraded by the prospect that they're treated like a janitor or some such thing ... and thus will make a huge stink about how everyone else is supposed to be more like them. "Well, FUCK YOU Trixie!" - if You weren't obnoxious about it, people might be grateful! But yea, some people ... . Need more than just a kick in their butt.

How about to the face?

Like ... what am I?

I was born with talents - but I lacked all the ambition and training to make much of it. Instead I dilly dallied away until I stumbled upon the gospel in a way that made sense to me. That then became my obsession - and that's my life's work!

I'd say "take it or leave it" but obviously ... well ... I'm too lazy for anyone to give anything I worked on the light of day.


Still I'm the only one that figured it out - well, to our knowledge - and more. It's ... . I write something clear and simple and logical and people somehow act like "everyone could have done it" - but nobody has. So FUCK YOU on that one too!

That's work too. But ... I suppose I just don't care enough about it.
But now that someone did the work; I'm sure "the real people" can do the "real work".

My life is so cursed ... . And yea, I think God was ... some time back ... like: "The next thing is going to upset You, so, calm down and take a rest". It did happen ... . But it's never like ... practical. It's all just ... more like a big meme.


...
Yea ... but before I rush to wrap this up ... like I tend to do with most things in my life ... I want to stick around to go the extra mile, like I tend to do. Well, kind of unwillingly most of the time but this is about pointing fingers. Distributing the blame. And I have to pause and think: Is that the kind of person I am? And why?

I mean, I'm a woman. Which means that I act emotionally, rather than rationally. And it's not always the bad things that get me ... stoked. it's just that when it's good I get excited and that is like ... adding extra pressure and that little bit of artistry to finish with a swing, rather than drawing circles until the paper is worn out.

There isn't much I can say about responsibilities. I tend to stick with a topic - and I don't see what I can't see! And however hard I might try, there's always that little bit something that falls under the radar and it's intellectually corrupt to blame myself. Sure I can blame myself - technically - but there's no mechanism that would help me fix it. That's a social thing and therefore ... if I'm pissed I'm pissed and things that aren't my problem aren't my problem even more.

Sure, to tell You why You should appreciate what I'm doing is like ... a fight against windmills. Y'all are like ... sharing a single braincell and that one's occupied watching nonsense on the internet I suppose. Wearing thin like a single layered piece of toilet paper under the shower.

It doesn't matter what I expect or intend either. I still do it - and whatever You think is the reason for me doing it, is just that. At occasion I'm under the impression that yea, maybe ... maybe "this (some thing I wrote) thing" changes something; But then ... that joke is starting to get old. "Think about what You want" - yea, wise words but ... wisdom is lost on the fools.

So ... anyway. I'm done now which means that now I have to wait until I figure out what You want my enemy to do next; So I can sit down and do it for them. As usual. So You can return to blaming me for doing nothing and reward them for doing the "real work".

Sorry, that's just part of the impression I'm getting.

Like, I wanted to go back to coding - but then I was reminded that I have to make a whole ritual out of setting the stage first so it's like clear that I'm back to working on it; But then I run things through my system and this time I don't feel it. It's like I'm being played ...

So, what can I really do? Other than just returning to "my life" and ... abandon this. For, for as long as I keep posting here, obviously I still want something. Obviously I must hope that there's still something to be won. But really I'm just playing ping pong with myself. Against the figments of my imagination.

It's funny to think that there's actual substance to what I write. Not because actually there isn't - but because I'd need You to figure that out Yourself! It's ... laughable. Actually. I mean, that's how I start to think of it. How I look at it. It's like ... a lost prayer. But yea, I suppose ... if playing nice doesn't work; I just have to be mean to everyone.


I mean - I really hate it when ... something rubs me wrong. And this whole shit has really started to rub me wrong. Like really wrong. Speaking of ... 'you' of course. I know I'm supposed to forgive; But the thing is ... it doesn't change anything. There's the way things are as they always were - eventually I started to get upset and that's what I'm supposed to be sorry for. So, it's just ... more of the same. And I don't think that that's the intention there.

But alll that that leaves me with is fire and brimstone.


But yea. Thos figments of my imagination - they get it. They always do. Most of them. For way too long already. I suppose it takes a real moron to keep looking at those things and be like: Yea, that's real!

"Oh, a present? For me? YOu what? YOu sorry? Oh! Of course I forgive You!" - yea, my ass!