Buuuurrp ... and the weeeweewoo owwuhshuhup beblblshp...

I feel like an ancient prototype of a propeller airplane trying to fly through a hurricane. And ... I guess ... watching Married with Children was kind of ... eye opening. Well, here's one to growth and evolution I suppose. (I'm not actually drunk or drinking, but ... I'm certainly feeling somewhat "bent").

Beside the point: X6 progress is currently not ... happening. I mean, I'm still trying to figure out what to do. Trying not to get things mixed up is like ... kind of critical at this point. And ... uh ...


Yea. "The end".

Also I got my money today and it's kind of a "good news, bad news" type of situation. In short ... well ...


I suppose this is kind of the extent of what I (should) care to tell You here - if anything at all; Or? ... huh ... why am I still ... ?


So, there I was thinking [too fatigued to tell story] ... and so I was thinking up this text while actually trying to sleep - or something - and in a way I came to contemplate on the history of this website and why it is the way it is rather than the way it could be.

This text would be the welcoming text for the time being; As I would try to reorganize the whole thing.

Silly ... when You think of it; And certainly the conclusion would be - huh, I wrote this out before. That over long or short I'd be back to just writing a thing and looking for a convenient way to share it. Like [example I haven't really written out yet but would be a next topic, actually].

But then I find that I lack 'hope'. And while that text would be ... the type that would make this whole practice worth it, I'm kind of depressed - and have weird feelings - like, just innocently sharing an idea with good hopes is fine and all ... but I'm starting to get scared about it making me feel stupid.

Not that it is stupid, it's just ... hopeful and optimistic and ... would kind of revolutionize culture and civilization and ... I suppose that's the problem.

It's not a new idea per se, but I have some new 'outlines' since it doesn't seem like ... "You" could get it right otherwise.

Yea. Having my gears setup to deal with "real life issues" may have put me into a state of mind that turns me into ... 'this'. ... Now it's down to hoping that what little coffee I have left might get my gears spinning "this way" again.


But yea. I realized for instance that when it comes to producing a website, my situation is somewhat unique. Ordinarily someone would have something to share, like ... some shady business/side-hustle, or pictures or a blog ... and so the website would exist around that. I kind of am no different; But at the start the thing that I wanted to share had yet to be written. So, it's not like a separate thing that I could point to. I have some things now; And so I guess I could reshape this site and ... whatever. But while thinking of it; I figured that there's some more stuff that I could do or have done. But yet I'd have to sit down and write it - and so, at least for how things have been, I'd eventually get stuck doing so.

I might try to get into more detail - but that's the next thing. We have a saying here, "Zwischen Tuer und Angel" - which means ... "Between Door and Hinge" - and is a way of saying that whatever is being discussed is kind of about to get lost to the wheels that are turning because ... . It's like if I set out to do something, and while passing a door someone else would come in and we'd be talking and maybe agree on something but my mind is somewhere else and I'd probably forget. "Halfarsed" may be a word; But not by intention. It's just ... "lost".
And I feel like that a lot. And here ... writing isn't that different to coding. I want to tell You something; But ever so often the context is "something somewhere" - where by my concurrent flow only have one sentence to wrap it up and move on with what I had on mind.

And that other stuff; Well. I guess at times it would require some deep investigation and heavy analysis to come to a 'proper' conclusion - or even just a 'best way' of putting it. And I suppose I can't expect "You" to keep up with it.


So, what do we do?
Right now I feel like I've ... almost "sweated out" - 'this whole thing' - from my system. My motivation is somewhere deep underground - and so I can see more clearly ... the failures of my life. Yea, maybe, in a way, all of this is also 'work' that's currently going into "sanitizing" my mind to wrap up Chapter 7.

I want to be saying that I'm doing my best here - and it might not seem that way when I'm playing stupid videogames. And I mean stupid. I mean, usually I wouldn't play 'stupid' videogames; But on occasion I'm getting lost in one. This time: Urbek City Builder. It seems fine at first - but once You understand how the game works it just gets ... stupid. It's ... ugh. So, it's a City Builder and it tries to do all the things that a City Builder/Sim would need to do; But it's so ... ugh. Well, everything - regarding growth - works on a 'radius' system. Everything within a square radius of "so and so" affects a building. For buildings to upgrade - so, the 'housings' - they want "this and that" within a radius of "so and so" - and so for a while it's kind of fun, or joyous, to fiddle around trying to build systems wherein these and those demands are being met. But after that it's really repetitive ... and annoying. Because You have to take care that everything is built like it has to be built - and it just gets silly. But somehow this game has its claws sunken into me right now ...

Anyway ... So, I want to say that I'm doing my best here; But there's this and that which requires me to second guess what 'my best' really is. Where yea, ther are measures of this and that; Like, personal investment, energy over time, mental maintenance, necessary distractions, pointless distractions, ... where there is a 'virtual best' which would be ... ideal case, peak condition, super motivated, high morale, vast mental and physical space to organize within ... and such - though sure enough over time ... that would start to collide with other things I would try to do.

Like ... managing and organizing this website. I guess what really 'tells it' is that "sure, over the time of a week or a few weeks" ... it would be simple to get things reorganized and such. As its own standalone job. So instead I'm here "accusing myself" of having bitten off more than I can chew - and yea, that's a real problem. I mean, even when it comes to eating.

I guess I can hear my parents talking to my childhood self ... that exact thing. And I remember in art-class where we were tasked to build a wire sculpture (then to be covered with paper to fill the holes and then paint it) - where I wanted to make a sculpture of Link but by the time our teacher said we were running out of time I had finished ... a Leg.


And what can I say? "You can't curtail the creative process!". But uhm, I suppose I still owe some guy 100 bucks because I thought I would have my game finished within a Year. And that was ... like ... 20 years ago.

But seriously ... I have to ... address this.


I don't know what You're talking about. OK, that "bet" I lost. I learned my lesson. But I don't know what You're talking about. So, yea. I have my ambitions - and sure, they are somewhat open ended. The end. I mean ... I've learned my lessons and respectively I'm cautious about making promises. I have ideas and I'm working on them - but I try not to assure You that I 'can'. At least ... to the extent that my own creative ambitions allow. Like, what am I to do? Just give up? And then what? The next day I'll still be sitting there thinking of what I could do here and there; Still having ideas towards the same end.

That's what I mean. If You want somehting NOW - and "it better be SO and SO" - then yea, sure, I give up! I never said I would, I never promised You anything - so, it's nothing to me!

I suppose I'm even begging You to stop me from pursuing my foolish interests - though, more to the point is that just a cry for a healthy social environment. And that's probably where things get complicated although the initial desire would be to make it easy.

So, I have no friends; I have no social environment - so, there's no real context for this to really mean anything. Apart from that I'd be asking for a lobotomy and be shoved into some psychiatric ward where I can spend the rest of my days on Neuroleptica staring at walls while dreaming of colors.

And I'm stressed out. Merely by mentioning that I'm "back on the code" again - and yet having done ... not much (well, I might need some weed ... which my finances tell me is a pipe dream for now) ... that again adds pressure and ... expectations and ... all that collides with my vision.


Do I have one? Well, given my progress it looks like ... it all isn't going to happen. I mean, there was a chance - given my progress - since I would make good and steady progress for a while; Until running into a wall. Somewhere between having tunnel visioned into it and amassed "real life problems" to having very little downtime to comfortably ponder and critically examine my work ... whatever. Damnit ... I still want to do it.

Then the problem is that I have a bunch of ideas ... but it's also kind of like looking at a Tech Tree ... looking at some future thing where so and so many things are yet missing. And my mind ... . I've grown ... silly. Impatient. I have my expectations and when things don't go smoothly I get upset.

Like when running into a table.


And as for my spiritual journey ... . Well. "Don't ask me" - I suppose. Society is as much Your work as it is mine. The end.