Trust issues

And at long last ... I also don't trust 'this site' anymore. I don't trust that what I write here will come out in its ... well ... "purity" ... and if it did, I don't trust that there's anyone reading it. At least nobody who ... well; I'm afraid that it would only feed those that work against me. And I don't know what I can do; And this outlook is simply the curtain fall - for all I care.

The truth is compromised, my world is tainted - and yet I can't seem to pry my mind off of the things that keep me virtually glued to this. Maybe at long last I should sever my link; But then, wouldn't that only have all that I done fall into the hands of my enemy? Wouldn't it only allow them to just move on - and my only proof that what I did here was mine is a convoluted mess of words and "data" I have on my devices somewhere that nobody would care to take a look at?

Yet the world that keeps me tied up here - is one thing. And increasingly I have to call it a hallucination. Any one or two steps I take I run into a dead end; Yet the more I keep fighting it, the more it comes back impressing itself upon me. Needless to say: It drives me nuts - and if I had a gun I'd probably be dead already for the impulse to get these thoughts out of my head is certainly strong. And quite in line with wanting to just pull a trigger to do so.

And like so am I losing my sanity. I can either accept this "unholy mess" that presents itself to me as the reality I'm dealing with here - or try to move on, crippled and empty, with mental issues as huge as a ... well. It's all relative I suppose. But with nothing left; What is my life? Where should it be going? What could I do? And how ... to handle my ambitions? It would be a death on its own - and I don't have enough cynicism inside of me to find comfort in that idea of living.


And sorry, this is not a drill. I say ... feeling like I'm speaking to a wall. For so it is. Crazy - one way or the other - it is true that while I'm writing here I must believe that there's someone reading. And what can I think of You, but that You shrug at the implication?

This is the thing. The truth that keeps me wanting to move past this. But I can't - and what I find makes no sense. One way or the other. For yea, sure enough - "let's say" that the logical conclusion were for me to stick to this ... what would be the end of it? What am I yet here to do? How am I to comply? Like ... do my conditions mean nothing? Am I not going crazy? Have I not already gone mad? I sit there, finding myself ... going through the same old nonsense ... over and over again ... and I don't want anymore. I ... don't!

And what does that leave me with? The simple truth that I once set out to do something; And I have to conclude that there is not a single person on this planet that cares enough. Or has the time to do so.


So am I confronted with the issue of "obligations". But all 'obligations' I understand are those I took upon myself. And I just ... can't anymore! I ... want to die. And it is within this wish that I find things. "Unfinished Business" as it were. All the dreams and ambitions I've had - but most importantly those that I could have ... accomplished. But perhaps failed for one reason or another. Or are just left there. But at long last I don't even feel safe in my own mind anymore.

So would I set out to write some code. And the first moment of consideration I get, I start spiralling into paranoia. This state is where the work is supposed to happen. To start, to look at it, to think about it - rather than just "hoopdie hoo" typing away. But that's what it feels like. If I couldn't sit down like I'm in an action movie and follow a line without looking left or right ... .

But sure. Whatever. And yet ... time passes by ... .

And even if I get something done - I sit there and ponder: Would I want that? Would I want to be 'there'? What then? What awaits me? Will it be good enough so that ... people might care? "Only one way to find out!". And I never wanted that. I wanted to do this by myself - for myself - until I felt like I had something to share.

But how am I going to do that? How will I have this peace - if the one thing that has confirmed itself time and time again ... are the truths implied by my paranoia?


So, rationally speaking - this journey is over. The quest has come to an end. Well, give or take. Successfully or not; It doesn't seem to matter for the world doesn't work that way.

All that's left for me to do is to work on things - even so against my better judgment - sulking and spitting - until one day I might find this "mysterious end" or what to call it.

And what do You do? Theorize about what I should think? What I should believe? What should be on MY mind? Just have someone run in from the off and toss it over. That's close enough to reality.


I'm sure enough that You know very well - much better than I, I suppose - what would make the most sense TO YOU.
That there's a simple set of things that I have to know, or understand, or believe ... that would then tell me what to do. Or give me an idea of what context I myself am moving in. Then imagine that You just withold that information from me ... and laugh as I disorientedly move in the dark.

Yea sure. God somehow would have to let me know. And how that? How so?
It's not like I haven't delved into that subject matter already. Much to the tune of: Getting specific knowledge like that, or specific answers to a specific set of questions like that ... it doesn't seem to work or happen. However; It is my experience - and yet You'd find ways to ignore that.
Sure, there is only one place I have to be. Only one set of issues I have to live up to. And how's that supposed to help me now?

Learn everything about it? How? What?
You just sit there - doing nothing; I sit here - going crazy. THE END!


Yea sure. The impulse is there; I can't pry my head off of this - for all I care, sure enough. But what? How? What can I do? What ... is the thing? I'm here trying to compose an idea, formulate its intricacies - and so my whole job, my whole professional experience, is down to yielding those things. So, sorry if all I can find is "general advice" or "universal sense". If You can't take it for what it is and DO accordingly; As any person should; Then ... I don't know what I'm doing here and I don't know what You're waiting for!


And I have spelled it out before. That "believe You me" - I have no clue what's going on! OK, maybe I do have a clue - it still ... . Semantics and Technicalities eh? You ...

For Your understanding: I'm fuming right here! Banging my head against the wall, staring into the barrel of a gun, love-eying that toxic fume exhaust vent ... type of fuming.
Or even: Holding the barrel to my head while angrily pulling the trigger repeatedly type of mad.

Banging my head against the table; I sure have physically damaged the one thing or the other within that rage already. And I'm not talking about that Minecraft thing.


And if it's "just this one simple thing" - I'm sure it still is a commitment. And if I had to go out of my way for some SILLY exercise and my strength would have to go into calming down enough to go do it - I'm certainly not in the 'proper' state of mind for it anyway.

It's like I'm a dog supposed to perform some trick. Like catching stick. But whenever I do something, what I get is a kick to the face. So, excuse me when by now I feel like biting Your fucking hand off.


Tell me ... what is "the Right thing to do"? For me, here? While You only sit there forcing Yourself to not do anything about anything? For, truly ... it starts to feel like slave labour. What I'm doing here. "This one more thing" - but oops, I didn't like it, maybe do this one other thing also. "Oops, something has come up, now we need a little more" - yea, "whaaaat?". What a surprise! I did not see that coming! /s


Or was it not so? Was it always just "this one thing" that I for the love of anything just wouldn't touch?


I don't know! But if it's outside my comfort zone, outside of my scope of interests and activities ... unless I have a solid incentive ... I just WOULD NOT do it and therefore WILL NOT! I mean, I'm fixated on "correcting the Extensive Intro" for some odd reason. And if that's not it ... then that should be the end of this little story here. And yea, if I think to myself "I will not" then "Y'all" are like upset ... . And I'm like "FINE!". I started it, I looked into it; But I don't feel like it. I moved on, calmed down and relaxed as my mental health would require - and haven't thought of it until now. Now again I need time to relax and calm down and I'm sure that the cogs of my mind will be spinning some other way then again.

And that's where we are at. Like, what happened the last time I found "this ONE thing" that I yet had to do that would then resolve everything? Oh yea ... NOTHING! The end!

And I would argue that this is something worth keeping in mind. It doesn't matter how much YOU are convinced that THIS IS IT - where, if GOD isn't convinced; HE won't convince me! And if it's something I'm not setup to do - HE won't follow either. And if it's something that setting me up for would be going out of our way, then yea - that's also ... not going in Your favor. Therefore: We don't follow. We setup a bar - and if You don't cross it, then ... too bad for You!

For every "Why don't we just ...?" there's an "equal and opposite": 'Why don't YOU just ...'!!!


Helping You figure out what this ominous '...' is - that's more like in the ballpark of things that I do. I deal with examples and try to extract wisdom and logic from it. Currently I'm looking at a hostage situation that results from an imbalance in the power dynamics. I'm in the weak position and ergo I'm treated like I have to comply with imposed demands. And my inability or unwillingness to do so ... causes issues of some sort.

The last time I "complied" I got nothing out of it - people just looked away and moved past it, for how I saw it - and that's the straw that broke THAT camel's back.

And yea, I almost forgot about it!


To You it may be easy to say that: OK, "let's not dwell on those things anymore" and "but now the situation is an entirely different one" - . Hmm. Would it help to say that one millisecond gaps between ALL the tracks is not the right end; But ... the first 'air' track also doesn't have one because that folder had already been loaded because the first track that played there at all was before I got setup to start playing the video?

The point is: I don't try to make a profession out of understanding what it is that You want - nor do I care much about learning the ins and outs of it. And quite frankly: Without a safe training environment I suppose it is rather unrealistic to even try.


So yea, the one "out" that I spot is also like ... crazy. Anyway. You might now feel safe glancing past the point that I just made and suppose whatever it is that will keep this going. Like it doesn't matter that my experience tells me that nothing is coming from it; But ... it is so. My experience tells me that these "ideas" ... these "things" that stress me out like ... I could get my hopes up by focusing on it ... they're duds.

They are things that give me, in moments like these, something to tangle with ... moving the issue onto something else while also glancing past the entirety of the case I was trying to make.


To You it may seem like it's something I have in front of me at all times - and yea, well, if I keep doing this ... it might even be so. But it kind of takes the joy out of this thing I had in mind. I mean, what would I have to think; How would I have to feel about YOU ... if this nonsense were real?


Goshdangit ... the hallucinations just got violent again.


But also true: Whenever an issue I'm concerned about even just remotely intersects with 'these' concerns here ... I can't help myself. ...

Hmm ... I get it. By "correcting the Extensive Intro" we're possibly not even thinking about the same thing. We're probably talking about something that I WOULD NOT touch because there's nothing to correct; With the things that need some improvement being like entirely beside the point and non-consequential anyway. Yea ... aint that the thing?

Circle closed.