Oh Monica

let me please direct this unto You, although it is public and virtually there for the world to see.

You are my one true fixation in all of this. Hence I beg Your forgiveness if my expressions of uncertainty confuse You. They are not to compare You with anyone else, or imply that any such comparison could reasonably take place. I'm uncertain for I dare not believe that the promise of my emotions could be true.

Am I talking of Love? Is this a Love letter? I do not know much about Love; And in all honesty: I rather would not. I know of Love - or think - that it is a one way road. My desires to fuel a need or a passion that then is doomed to gravitate around a hope that demands satisfaction. I however am more interested in You, as a person; And while I see this very much in the same context - I seriously hope that we can look past it.

And I mean this in the least romantic sense possible; Hoping of course that this is the fuel that might keep the candles lit. It sure would be the purpose of a Love letter to ignite that flame within the desired opposite; Yet do I think I have enough problems with my own.

I certainly would lie to You if I said that there were no Romantic interest, or that I could live without it. And if I haven't been sure of it before; I'm a lot more sure of it now. But yet I would not speak of a Yearning - and any Love song that I hear reminds me of how much I hate everything about it. But I'm lonely, I'm desperate; My life is in shambles - and that fixation on You that I had carried around with me throughout the years yet remains. There as solid as ever - and I can't help but think, or hope, that You one day might come through for me.


You know my story. You know my life. I think. I ... must suppose. I called You my Knight in Shining Armor - and I still hope that this is true. You are my Sunshine - and Yet ... Your absence makes me sour. I know not what keeps You away from me - and I don't know what it is, within me, that has me fixated on You this way, if at long last it all were to mean nothing.

I suppose I can imagine how You must feel ... about this. I must suppose that You in some way feel as I do. That there is something that compells You to think of me. To keep me close. Even if ... otherwisely shut off from everyhing else You call life. Or might I be wrong? Are You simply the unfortunate target of a mad persons twisted delusions? Well, I suppose You certainly might be. I hope it's not me though!


So I say that I'm interested in You as a person - and by now it has only become clearer to me. Although I don't really know how to quantize it, or present it in an objective and coherently comprehensive way; That fixation I carry with me singles You out among the many. It's no emotion that compells my fire to burn for You - but merely a truth that presents itself in a variety of ways. Yea, for a while there was a fire that burned, but the sad reality that is has snuffed it out and made that whole thing ... 'complicated'. And here I am, yet again, telling You about it ... wondering: "What's up?". And would it be too impolite to ask: "Where are You?"?

I try not to delve in imaginations or promises I make for myself; And in that same vein I suppose I end up extinguishing whatever "remote concept" of Love that we might share. I prefer it that way; But ... I don't know what to really think or believe. I only know that You are there - like a monolith - in my mind. And as such You are different to any other person and any other 'thing' therein.

It's like an insanity. A thorn in my paws that only You could pull. And if You did ... I suppose I could in truth only accept one end to it. But is this Love?


I believe that we are married. Someway, somehow. Maybe by fate - or destiny - by the one creator God who maybe observed our Love in some past lifetime. But Love, as I see it, does not come with it. My own sanity certainly tells me that we'd have to start anew. I was Naive about it for a long time; And as emotions would have it, I don't suppose I'm fully redeemed from it. For what choice do we have, but be naive unto the opportunities that speak to our hearts?

I do not know. And maybe I don't even care. There is life, as it is - and the older I got the more I saw it as a long series of pitfalls that are to be avoided. Speaking of it ... well, maybe not. ;)

But yea. This mysterious Love that is as meant to be - as on first sight - as a thing that just happens - I suppose it can't quite happen this way. What am I to You but some faceless person behind some words You may or may not feel compelled to read? And even if some curiosity were to spark in You, what is it that I'm asking of You? It's certainly a commitment. To come knocking on my door - to say hi and be that ray of sunlight cracking through the darkness of the skyline that is my life.

You better be sure - that's what I'd be telling You as a friend. But if You're anything like me - as for what compells me - the signs should be way beyond our own. I feel incomplete - and by that I don't speak of a fragment of my heart that may be missing and has me bleed. I feel like a torso without legs, or a heart without body. I try to live my life as best I can ... and it just doesn't seem to be enough. And however I want to twist and turn it; My question for what's missing tends to lead me back to You.

And thus I'm interested in You as a person. Who are You? What is it about You that ... does this to me? Could You really just be an excuse that my mind came up with to fill that hole of my failures? Well, I try not to think of my accomplishments or failures. I try to just move on and make the best of it. But I also feel like I'm living past my reality. Which ... might be my loneliness speaking. I certainly have more than enough excuses to tell me that You're nothing special - but I also don't know anyone else to fill that gap in my life. I have not met anyone who would fit into it. And naturally I must wonder ... if per chance You might.

What I wanted to say is that maybe, as a friend, I would have something else to say. If I had to be my own friend - speaking to myself - well. I suppose at this point I can only shrug while I must wonder if I did anything horribly wrong and that I maybe deserved what I got.


But yea. You better be sure about it!

I certainly struggle with it myself. How sure am I? How sure would I have to be to just leave all that I got and go on some other quest to maybe have fate and fortune bind us together? But yea, I'm scared; And thus wonder: Will You come through for me?


Maybe we can be friends?



Yours sincerely

Nicole