The sad reality

but what is it now ... to You and me ... in these dirty streets of the real world ... where - tick tack tick tack - where the solemn words of the past are merely the cause to the chatter of today?

Here ... where either I reach deep into myself ... and maintain a straight face while maintaining the act; Or I give into the pressures that sink into me to yank some gossip from my tongue. To say in other words that it is a hustle, whether I want it or not, that I have to keep up for long enough to get bank on my investment; And on occasion roll over to update the subscription.

I mean, she's a hottie; And she's got buck ... so ... what does that leave me with?

I'd compare her to Peg while she'd compare me to Jefferson ... and that'd be the end of act ... uh ... eleven or something. But yea, it's true - at least ... well. The comparison stands, for me, mostly because - ugh. Watching the show over again just made me realize the inhumane horrors that that woman put her poor husband through. He was a sweet man; And then eventually the show turned into Looney Toons because ... only a fictional Character with no foot in reality could bear it all.

But so can I barely take a step without that soul-crunching urge to shit-talk behind her back.

Sortof. I mean, this isn't exactly behind her back. But what I put out in public is ... it's there. And so is any sign of insincerity or ... weakness - and while to ourselves and the cultural circles we call our own the truth is layered and often complicated; Our interaction with that which is stranger to us is stereotyped by monodimensional carricatures that barely ever get the benefits of being regarded as layered and complicated. Within our circles the ways are simple. There's some dull common set of interests and behaviors around it - and so are the expectations ... dull and common. And everyone else gets measured by that same standard that we measure our "familiars" by; But as I here and there would try to say, there's a whole book about it (not by me though, but it's the Mirror Column/Pillar/Post thing), that's the problem.

For now - for here and so far - I would say or think that I have done nothing wrong. But already I can see the fault of my actions. I thought that maybe I could have some playful fun with the situation; But how would I feel if ... ? Well, I guess it depends.


So, I should say that the first problem here is one of keeping bad company. But the topic here is ... maybe not exactly about that. But I suppose ... it might be. For overall I'm wondering ... . Where is this coming from? And ultimately, how should I deal with it?

I mean, fear is a bitch. And ... seriously, this whole "psycho magic" topic ... I mean, that's what it is. I have no friends, no social environment whatsoever; And Yet I feel like there's some dude walzing into my mind being all like "Haha, the Wife, am I right?". And sure, right now I could blame Married with Children - but the general situation is just always there. Some ... "wind of division". And ... it's part of why I don't feel safe. Part of what drives me nuts. Because time and time again I start to notice these shifts ... which I have no part in because quite frankly, I'm alone and I couldn't possibly participate within those conversations (which usually would also be about me - rather than including me) - and so within a couple of hours everything I wrote is like flipped on its head.

And sure. Arguing about it like what's in the past should mean anything ... is kind of a loser thing to do. You got to flow with the rythm, understand that NOW is the time. Except that ... NOW is usually the time when I'm alone by myself watching old TV shows while nobody bothers to check in on me anyway.


And what's the solution? Well, in this particular instance "true Love" could be a way of putting it. But in more practical terms I mean: Understanding. An intimate knowledge of each other that gives us certainty about what we care about and therefore gives us that edge of understanding how we mean certain things. That I, right now, am a bit on edge - where, for the most part I'm unhappy and displeased ... well. It makes it a bit difficult for me to play the Love card. Or act like it's not a thing.

Then maybe fear sets in, worries - where everyone just does the worse thing You could imagine because life in a way is a huge joke on Your expense - Yours in particular.


But for this particular circumstance, I sure don't like to hustle. It's like ... the moment You start with it, You're already losing control. Or, the moment I'm supposed to act in a certain way; I'm already ... lost to the person. She would think I'm some Character in Married with Children ... and respectively I'd have to do all that I can to convince her otherwise. And that, by virtue of the fact, would turn me into a Married with Children character.

For once because the person doesn't pay attention to me, but is looking for signs and markers that confirm one suspicion or the other.


And so, ultimately there's no way but to hustle. So it would seem.


But then ... that's like work. And so, I'd look towards having a break from it. And why is that? I'm sure - in this instance - it's multiple things. Someone who doesn't want anyone "so and so" to be with her, then someone wanting me not to be with anyone ... it's like ... a shit sandwich.


And yea. I guess ... in a way I already feel like I am Jefferson. Some way this wind - and I have to call it that because I have no better term for it right now - found its way into my being and I just don't have the time or strength to fight it out. It latches onto whatever it can find; And I personally am much like an open book. Which makes me easy prey.

So I'd run around with this thing - and it would "loosen my tongue" as the things that it latches on to are carried to the forefront of my consciousness while ... well. In reality this isn't happening because I'm all alone. But "the play" demands for it, so ... whenever I wouldn't be around her ... that play would play out anyway. Whether it happens or not. But if it were happening it might then continue to fester and consume more of my being - and I guess we've already seen a lot of THAT happen. So, in the meantime similar things are happening with her; So her inner Peg is coming out while she would try to ascertain me that that's not her - or that she isn't like that - but the play happens anyway.
Like, she's asking me to play my part better - but honest to myself, I don't know what, why or how.

And why is it always on me? Why is it just OK that she implies it as to be taken for granted that she can't do anything? I don't get it!

And this is the real problem. Maybe the blame game can be passed onto me as I at one point acted thoughtlessly and scared her away ... pretty much like this whole thing might do. So, not the things we accuse each other of, but the fact that there's not even a way to reconciliation and that I just have to accept that this is the way and that there's nothing I can do about it.

Or some such thing.

And yea. Speaking of it - of the fears and worries. I ... am scared to. I also have feelings I don't want to get hurt. And sure, with my situation, they matter differently. And ... . I mean, "I had a dream once". And once upon a time those things meant a lot to me. And sure, to this day the signs regarding her are positive. It meant a lot, but these days ... I don't know how much I care anymore. It's not like it matters! So - for instance. That ... my heart is already there on the floor ground into a shapeless mush.

But I had this dream. Somehow, someway, I was led into this building. It was a ... kind of like a school, but it was tall. Like a ... what you call it? Well, a tall house where many families can live. So, apartments, offices, halls. Whatever. A little bit of everything. And then there was Monica. She greeted me hi - and yet I was mostly surrounded by other folks. I was led into a wardrobe and was to pick out something to wear. Then she was gone, and I was in some waiting room with a bunch of other people. At some point some person feel or jumped down from a higher floor above; Then some people came in blabbering something about a revolution or whatever. And then I woke up.

But that's the thing. What am I to make of her absence? I mean, this wasn't a nightmare, but it wasn't really comforting either. It are scraps I gladly took - and on occasion there would be a dream a little bit more promising. But overall, the story kind of stays the same. I'm ... not there, and the happy ending ... well, isn't really in the cards it would seem.

And if it all goes well, by the end of the dream it still is somehow magically not.


In my mind I see her occasionally taking a step towards me. And it was nice and all, it too meant a lot at first - when it was like ... a sign. Like, in a dream - it would mean something. But ... sigh.


Madonna on the other hand ... . Well, I'd never get close to her either; But in my dreams she's at least ... always super optimistic about me. #1 Cheerleader!

Big time!

And yea. I don't want to be the missus that's just there in the closet, wasting away until she feels like it. To me that's her exposing her to all of that nonsense out there that I'm desperately trying to extinguish. And to me, this is the conclusive end of this story. The piece I have to say about it. To make it understood ... is also a matter of making it comprehensive. Then it's not a matter of me making it "believable" - like ... an act to highlight my good intentions and pure spirit.

But that's also kind of it. The doing versus the hustle. I mean, I'm always honest and sincere - and if something isn't 100% correct it's either an honest to God mistake or I just don't know better. But "out there", the slightest slip is like ... carrion that attracts the vultures.

And if those are the things - and they sure are - that keep driving this division; Hmm ... what did I want to say? Well ... ugh. OMG. My mental RAM is giving me problems right now.

Eating and Writing is like Drinking and Driving I suppose.

But yea. On one hand I can't do more but to whine about it. And occasion be a little bit more serious about this or that.


How does that sound: "I'm not a gadget Goddamnit! I'm the Destroyer of Worlds!"?


"Voice of Bud". I think he was a lot more successful with the women than common belief would have it, but in the later Seasons really just turned out to be a douche. By virtue of habit I suppose.

The 90s ruined fashion!
And after 2000 style was as the sky in the Matrix.
The Matrix movies really ushered in the Dark Ages of the Modern World.
Not that they were to blame for it. But within the creative bankruptcy that followed, it was presumably difficult to come up with anything better.


So, what we're left with is Nostalgia, because anything else would require hope.


Hmm ... I digress.

But yea. It's a thing. I mean, I can imagine that it started out harmlessly. Like, I'm this odd person with a bunch of tricks up her sleeves ... but then it just becomes normal that nobody is doing anything while I'm constantly there to entertain the condition.
But yea, I can smell the scent of change in the air. "This time for sure!".


Anyway. I don't have anyone to brag in front of - with her. But then again ... whenever I feel powerless I certainly do have that "wait until ..." reaction bubbling up in me. Or when I feel like I humiliated myself. But all that would also work independent of her. But then again ... I ... well. I mean, in theory it could. And sure. I ... as I repeatedly say, can't care too much about her. She too is just a theory of mine ... . But a theory in deed, rather than a hypothesis. I would think. I mean, ... whatever.
What I'm trying to say is that subsequently all my outlook revolves mostly around myself. Of course! There's what I do and what I could do ... but ... ugh.

Yea. In my heart she's always there. Implicitly. At first I might get famous because of her; But then she'd be famous because of me. And if we truly had to worry that us 'spending time together' is like ... a forced act that we entertain to hustle each other into compliance ... then we wouldn't have much of a reason to be together in the first place. ???

Yea, in my heart I'm the pet. But I'm still my own being. And in a way ... all of these labels ... I don't think they work out. It's like putting the cart before the horse. Sure, eventually the cart is the thing ... which comes first ... where the horses are a secondary asset. But functionally the horses come first. Oh my, I'm starting to confuse myself.


But it's not that wild. I mean, there's a throughline here. Besides the rambling and sidenotes and comments from the off.

In a way it's part of the dance. Me doing my thing to show what I got. And I have to do more of it because quite frankly ... I'm not a boy! And I don't know why ... but it sucks ... that every now and then I feel like I have to go through THAT whole routine again; While seriously ... I couldn't care less about it. But then again ... I have to whenever it's brought up ... but then again ... learning to ignore this stuff is part of the process I suppose.

And if she's into men, that's fine with me. But ... at this point, or with things being as they are ... I do have a problem with it. Which only matters if she cares ... . So ... "wish me luck!".


But yea. "Owning it" is part of the trick. Learning to own it - or so, the bogus - so that You can reverse hijack it and play it to suit Your ideas and not the other way around.

Anyway. I kind of ... lost my plot here; Or the thread. I'm not sure. Uhm ... I might try again later ...