Shadows | Musings on Clarity

Gatcha!!! Sort of. ... This title of course is clickbait - as a self-aware dig at my own "habit" of always ruining any hint of romantic success I might have generated. And then there was this "thing" floating through my head; Which is actually more about personality and profile; That made me think that maybe I could pull this fun little gag here.

But it's ... nothing ... which is why I sensefully avoided referring to it as a 'topic'.

More to the point am I a little scatterbrained; Or my mind is riddled with a variety of potential topics; Which is where the headline starts being adequate. As in: "Shadows of my mind". But then the issues also kind of fit this ... sense of self-reflection where my concept of Clarity is like ... a problem I'm carrying around with it; So ... I end up musing about it from this angle.

I mean ... it really started Yesterday, though my concept of night and day is again a little bit wonky right now. I woke up from a dream - and I could have written of it to the tune of "being visited by Joseph Smith Jr.". There wasn't much of a topic however; Where more than anything I felt tormented by my digestion. Or indigestion. Nothing related to bowel movements - but, just this aweful sensation that food is somewhat poisonous. It's part of my "I can't eat "routine"" - where, whenever I eat I feel like I first have to recover from it before I can do anything. Some things go better - others less; And it all doesn't mix well with the 'abyss' that is my appetite.
I mean, logically I assumed that I should eat little things, here a little, there a little - to give my body time to digest; But I'm totally not getting the hang of it and ... having food around is not helping this ... 'greed' for eating. When I'm satisfied, I've usually eaten too much. If I haven't eaten enough, it's gnawing at me. And it doesn't help that a single slice of bread can already do that. I eat it, I remain hungry, but still ... I ... like ... can't have it.

Then there's hydration problems to consider, a vitamin deficit maybe ... what do I know? It's one of those things that tends to only come to my attention when I can't or won't act on it. On the upside, French Fries work OK~ish for me.


Experience tells me that this jumble - while it wouldn't make any sense to me while I'm trying to make sense of it - 'usually' comes around to making sense when I start writing about it. Well, when I come around to it.


That Joseph Smith Dream was weird. There wasn't a lot going on. There was a shelf of sort, like a display shelf with glass windows embedded in the doors - not sure how to call it. And there were books inside. A silent, faceless crowd was walking on a road past it - somewhat in the shadow - and there was a sense of "bullshit scriptures" floating in the air. There were books inside, neatly bound - kindof reminding me of my own invention; With golden bookmark ribbons strung around it to close it shut. Joseph Smith really only appeared to me to show me one specific book that was hidden behind a bunch of other books within one compartment. Then the scene was broken off and eventually it replayed; And eventually I got to see why it was so special. It made sense within the context of the dream. There were names written in it. Like, people who got married within the Church or something like that.
What really got to me was the Lighting. The crowd stood in the dark compared to the two of us - and I woke up with a strong sense of ... the two of us being virtually figures of Light; While my waking consciousness was really bothered by the quality or appreciation of my writings versus that what he did. Thus I woke up giving myself the nickname: "The Profane(d)".

It kind of bothered me, but not really. For a moment or two; But overall ... I'm looking "around myself" and find enough to be unbothered by it. Call it a blame-game; Where the truth is that I've been blaming myself more than enough to have done my due diligence on that front. But it is no blame game. It might look like it though. But it starts with fingers being pointed our way; Of how we are not enough, of how we messed up; Of how everyhing is OUR fault.

And yea, "it all starts so benign".

If You know my immediate past, You know that this is a bit of an ongoing issue right now. And I'm not really sure how wide to span the net. There are maybe a bunch who are in the front row - but my mind wanders unto a voice here and there that would seem to come from further behind. And it's the same issue. Something about not living up to expectations.

But it's a thing I've written plenty about already; I've illuminated from all sorts of different angles and I find myself in no urgent need to expand on it much further. Or to repeat myself. I just look at it all - 'going nowhere' - where everyone just kind of shrugs at each other. Somewhere in all of that the Blame should move on to God; And can I here roll with what I assume or believe or "see" is happening? That HE would turn the Blame back on You and You would find excuses to accept that? Or are some of You actually moving on the right track?


And something strange happens when I feel like I ... made my point; And did so well ... to the effect that I got through to You as I should. That is You getting stuck on an illusion of me - and it makes You feel uncomfortable. So would I for the moment feel venerated, I take a breath; And along with it something spiteful enters my being. It then sits there, being certainly apart from me but it sort of attracts the attention, or how to put it - and thus the story continues.

I mean, it has happened so often I wouldn't know life without it. Hence I am spiteful towards ... well ... everything. That being my own spite. Not the spite of "I told You so" but the spite of "why won't You listen?". Sanctuary Season 1 Episode 5 comes to mind. There is this abnormal called a "Cricksorum" or "Macgoy" (Season 4 Episode 7) or something that has the ability to create Telepathic Illusions to turn people against each other; Which is some kind of defense mechanism. It makes people see things that aren't there while hiding in plain sight, possibly appearing to them as a friend, creating some kind of alternate reality from the circumstance that everyone is getting caught up in.
Close enough. Whatever I care about, YOU always seem to be on the opposite end of it.

Like ... I want to tell You about such psychological deceptions and next thing I know is that I'm encouraged to "practice Telepathy". Which, for all I care, could be me subject to the same kind of bull; And when push comes to shove You're possibly like: "Nah! That's too crazy!" - as in ... "how could we possibly see past this?" - while literally You're then again turning away from "what I would have You think is the right way forward".

Or am I just stuck something while y'all are "having a plan" or whatever?


What all that leaves me with is very little self-esteem. I mean, I can have all the self-confidence I want; It doesn't help me when You're cognitively dissonant regarding the truth and latch onto the very first lie that walks accross Your path!

And right now that is how the wind blows. I mean, I've been watching Sanctuary again; And I can be cynical about it - like playing into the whole "Helen Magnus is actually insane" angle, or that it's all just "pacifist Propaganda" for the real Cabal that "wouldn't benefit from acting that way" except while You're sucking it up the benefit is there. Why blow it by acting like a villain?
But it's all ... "good fun". To me anyway. But then there was Season 2 Episode 5. Helen Magnus wakes up in some dystopian Future where some Zombie-like contagion has destroyed the world as we know it; But it turns out to be some dream or vision that is imparted onto her as a warning regarding the Elixir she sought. And so cynical me twists it around into: Yea, "the people I know" would look at this little illusion and be like: "It can't be! It's going to be fine!" - and promptly move on to ignoring the warning; And the wind carried it on to where we would have a little discussion about what God would or would not allow; Like that's a sophisticated standard for making those kinds of decisions.
I closed that line of thinking with the argument that: If You require sane people to act against You for the worse of Your choices not to see the light of day; Then You're the villain!

And I felt like I'd have to write about it. So, there You go.


I don't know.

And maybe that shocks You!


See - that voice from the backrow ... it starts very appreciative of me. The ... theoretical me. The dream, or the idea, of who or how I might be. But then there's the real me, the actual me; And ... there isn't a whole lot of glory. To which I have to say: Where should it come from? And we're back to shrugging at each other.

And so it seems like we're still waiting for some glorious turnaround ... and thus everyone seems to be looking at what open ends there yet may be. Maybe Crystals ought to do the trick. But what can I say? I don't know the circumstances; And at some point I think that You can't possibly be as dense as I must thik You are. So, maybe all that I have to do is "buy You more time" - or not despair while You ... do whatever.

At the end of the day there's what I can do - and next to that there's this brick wall that I seem to be having a heated argument with.


But I must wonder. How can I reconcile these things?

Maybe I'm too self-centered. A lot of my reasoning certainly revolves around me. But it's not only that. And there's the thing. You might worry about having enough numbers, having enough momentum - before daring anything while I'd think that we'd get the numbers and the momentum AFTER daring something.
And yea, arguing "my way" I certainly have stretched far beyond my comfort zone; And kind of ended up ... making a case and point outside of my general ballpark of concerns.
I mean ... . I think of myself as a doer - and I see the biggest problem to be that of US not really DOING anything at all. But beyond that I lack the experience of really DOING much - outside of the things I personally care about. And I find it sad. I feel like I'm withering away. Potentials wasted, dreams squandered ...

And it's just difficult to believe that ... . Hmm ... .


Well ... on the other hand it is more comforting; And right now I suppose that's the better option. I mean, what's the alternative?

Saying that I have in deed fallen into some kind of Frenzy; Though sure ... what's to be blamed is that all the hinges that kept me sane have fallen off piece by piece and as nothing made sense anymore ... my looking for answers led into darker and darker places. And at long last there's a greed of its own. A ... not wanting to let go. A need to be angry. Not quite based on a shame of letting go or being wrong; But feeding off of it - strengthening it - so that one day maybe it might even become so.

Whatever. I'll just do ... whatever ... and hope for the best!
Which also doesn't feel quite right ... .

The funny thing is ... this Vodafone thing. I mean, the whole time I felt like it wouldn't phase me. Like it couldn't. I stared at it ... happening ... powerlessly ... and something told me that things would be over before it would come crashing in on me. That certainly compounded my psychological malady - for sure - but now the thing is ... I have an impoundment protected bank account; Civil Rights are a wonderful thing, at least in this day and age where we haven't really evolved past the urgent need for them; Which means that there's a protected amount of money that can't be impounded - but it's also all that I can spend per month. I'm not exactly sure how it works; But given that my bank account rarely ever saw a value beyond that ceiling ... and the money I get is calculated rather tightly ... for now at least it doesn't phase me. I suppose they'd have to take me to court or something ... I'm not really sure how that works. I mean, there has to be protection in place that would prevent me from just racking up debt and being like: Pffft! But the legal right on money that isn't there ... is still ... nothing.


But yea. Anyway. I don't know what to make of it - but I'm currently fancying the idea of considering myself a Barbarian. Not to be confused with Savage. As a Barbarian I consider myself cultured, but not civilized. And we Barbarians have our own way of looking at "the civilized" as savages. Prominently - so the story goes - we value Honor. Which isn't to say that "the civilized" are without Honor, but it has a higher priority to us. Which is to say that our concept of Honor is different to the civilized concept of Honor because ... well ... "we're cultured and the civilized are savages!". So, for us, Honor has to lift more weight; Where "in the civilized world" Honor is rather lost because that weight is usually lifted by other things. Like ... "rule of Law" or some other weird hijinx.

Yea, in a way I have nothing better to do. Or very little. And I don't have much that might make me feel ... better about myself. Hmm ...

I mean ... on my journey of looking for the blame with myself I ended up ... getting used to some weird form of mental gymnastics I suppose. Contorting myself, or my sense of what's right or fair and such. At some point I then assumed that my passivity was a problem; That I should be more active; Taking command of the situation - and while I couldn't escape my condition that would lead to ... issues.
Yea, in a weird way I suppose I might end up blaming You for a contorted idea of myself. Like, I look at Scripture and find that I'm supposed to be this and that; And the reason why I'm not ... THAT ... yet ... well. Who knows?


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