The Experiment and Mental Health

At the basis of it all ... to put it in metaphoric terms ... I'm like ... standing there in front of some rock. Like, at the end of some passage in some alcove. And this rock is glowing. Like ... Elden Ring style. This rock represents a ... thought. Or recognition. The gist of it being, that when I "say" stuff - so in regards to the Experiment (index) - I produce something for my own mind to believe in. And whether or not I may legitimately doubt that it's just that, I'm stuck wondering in how far that still is a very rudimentary function of delusion.

What is however true; And for similar reasons it might be a flawed truth; That I do experience a lot of stress due to issues and circumstances vastly outside of my "normal life". The simplest of it all are things I see online that make me want to yell. And it's not just stress. There's also anxiety, depression and ... I don't know. Excitement? So, I'm having a week off right now - and although I should feel relaxed, at occasion I'm however amped up for some reason.
I would like to get into more detail, but ... I don't think it matters all that much. Let's just say that I've deluded myself to the point that some tiny world-sim is running in my mind where all the stuff I did so far does matter - and as that show is playing out I'm super invested but obviously I can't do anything and that's the crux of how things just suck for me.

So, eventually I'm feeling low so I have to get huggies from my plushie - but that doesn't do too much. It doesn't change that things are bothering me - and however I run things through my mind; And that then also includes real life struggles; The extent to which God is there for me effectively pushes me more and more into this corner. This "fantasy world" in my head - basically. Maybe not exactly, but ... if things in real life are going smooth, it's usually because I'm invested in something else. And things then go smooth in support of that.
So, in that sense, I'm led towards that rock ... and somehow ... find something therein.

Apotheosis ... maybe.

I mean, so far ... or up until recently ... or so, let's say a year ago ... it wasn't much of an issue. Or topic. It was something slumbering within me that I believed in to some extent, but all the important stuff would have to do its own thing. And compared to now, that's the sane part. The normal stuff. The ... ask for wisdom and use your critical thinking stuff. The ... nice way. The ... general ... thing. The good advice. The ... simple truth. And as per that fantasy-land, some people resonated with that. And that's like ... where I get dunked into crisis ever so often. Because ... at the end of the day I barely ever believe that there is even one. And yet I sit here and write as though someone cared. But there's nothing else for me to do. Or - in other terms - I came here to write some things; And ... that's just that. Whatever.

So would I think that God would somehow give people pause to come to terms with what I have to say, while as they would heed it, they'd come to appreciate that. Well enough ... I suppose. Though, sure ... it doesn't preclude the other side. Or so, given that I had to guess as much as that resistance to the sound truth is going to persist - there would always be that and what aligns with it. Now, I don't think that MORE of MORE of ... "the thing" ... would change much about that; And in that regard I'd be fine not ... taking things any further. Like so ... I didn't even know how I could be doing more. It's ... a weird thing about me. Like ... there are choices, but sometimes there isn't an alternative to the one way; And once there is - eventually there's no alternative to that. So-to-speak.

Anyway. Staring at that rock ... which in this sense is a bit more than how it was introduced, so ... it's synonymous for these problems. And I suppose ... that's a good thing to have when on the verges of delusion. That is ... enough insight to see the potential problems.
So, staring at this rock ... being out buying tobacco ... I think it was ... I came to grips with the fact that in all the negativity I feel, my Apotheosis ought to feel good if that's what God wants. And sure enough, leaning further into it, letting go of the ... inner doubts opposing it ... that knot went away. Sortof. Leaving me with a little motto of sorts. For now. "Da muss man schon mal auf den deckel haun" - or something along those lines. To say as much as ... well, hmm. I mean, it felt good as a justification for what I've done so far. To move away from the maybe and sortof of it - and ... "auf den Deckel haun tun" ... which literally means as much as "to beat onto the lid". So, "to make some noise" I suppose.

Which means as much as feeding into my own delusion as it's like a piece of solace I have in my life right now. That so on the off chance, which is certainly a probability, that it isn't just a delusion.

Now, as it stands however, there are certain things taking place that I had no doing in. TO say, that God or Fate also plays its own game. And I maybe happen to play a part in that. Which is to say, yea: I have to admit ... that not everything revolves around me!

So - my idea for here was, to expand a little more on this [unnamed terror] that hasn't been named differently so far. I would think of it as of some placeholder debuff of sorts that has been ... acquired by some people; For as far as I can tell. Some would be pretty adamant on doing so - and others ... rather careful not to. I mean, it would however seem as though not everyone has that luxury. And based on that, those that have to test the waters ... might as well try to make some mileage on it. And that means, that it'd almost be unfair to make anything out of it; For, I'm sure I'd rather want those that ... stayed behind? But yea, it's a possibly stupid theory.
But I just notice ... there would be a network of sorts. Like, if the unnamed terror were some kind of time-bomb and it went off ... there were those hit by it and they would blame peers or higher ups for their misery. So, we get some kind of cascading network out of that.

As for who's affected in the first place, well ... there ought to be some divine aspect to me that does the thing as my flawed human spirit can't be arsed to deal with that kind of stuff.

But yea. On a different and somewhat unrelated note: There is that thing with the last supper/sacrament/the Eucharist; And concerning that, it is written that who partakes of it becomes liable in some vague and undefined way. Now, the details of that are certainly up to God ... but I can't help but also feel offended by that. I feel like whatever ire one accumulates thereby, should also combo with the [unnamed terror]. Where ... I picture ... some crown of thorns ... with the flavor text eluding to how they speak of being Christ-like. Sure, they might not literally speak about that, but we're also not literally speaking of THE crown of thorns. We're only talking of something reminiscent thereof.

But so I had a somewhat dark idea. Generally comprehensible as "a decree of confusion" the idea was to make the whole issue with brainworms a little bit more ... real ... as something more literally like a plague. Thus however also one that does legitimate damage. Not however something without recourse. And it shouldn't be too difficult to get out of it either. All one had to do was to legitimately repent. And to make it even easier - it should be apparent to obvious that this is the way. And that's how it can be called a blessing. And the ones affected by it are supposed to understand it - like - as a taste of their own medicine.

But there's something else bothering me. If my fantasy-world isn't just a fantasy, then a lot is going on behind the scenes. And there, the impostors might be aligned similar to myself. Thus vastly unaffected by this. And that might be an occasion for me to see whether or not I can summon demons. It would only be fair - in that sense - to let them be challenged by demons so for them to show whether or not they do have the divine blessing to deal with them.
So are those demons, I suppose they need a mission statement, to tarnish their works. That by messing with their ability to do works - and the perception of those already put forward. I mean, yea - I suppose that Angels wouldn't really do that sort of thing. Well ... . OK. How many? I'm not sure ... . 7? Sure, let's make it 7.

And that's ... it for today.