... so ... why do I still need to write about this topic?
I first of all feel like its time for me to write a little bit more about me and you - this here - and maybe the time it takes
to get 'here' ... or 'there' ... where ever. I've written a lot and in hindsight I can't really tell how good I'm doing; But it
is what it is. Too much. Although some would disagree I think.
Life is strange ... . Who are we? What are we? Where are we from? What are we heading towards?
We can see that our lives matter little in the greater cosmos. The paths of earth, sun and galaxy are determined; And our lives
... not much more than a still frame in the all of it. But that doesn't matter to 'us' - 'individually'. The more we think about
it, the more time passes by; And it makes me wonder: What makes sense? Is it work? Is it study? Is it philosophy? Is it Sex? Love?
Fun? No this without that ... but in the grand scheme of things; I feel like there isn't enough time in this Universe to fully
scoop from the potentials of existence. On the other hand I came to wonder about God, what its like to be eternal; Wondering of
whether he has curiosity for instance. Asking what if all things we could do were finite and we would cease to discover
new things at some point going forward. Poincare recurrance is it called I guess? That with "so many" particles there will
come a point where all particles exist in the same order as once before. And I think that maybe life is about learning to live
with the finite ... and should 'conservative's be most concerned about climate change? Our potential responsibility? What is this
anyway?
As life went forward - we now have november; And while Trump has been funny at first - now that normality sets in "over here",
in germany, for me; I get to realize that we don't see much else like that! Is there also a poincare recurrance for that?
Probably. But what if we were by that unfathomably large amount of time older - and we found ourselves in the same situation;
We might find something like a roadblock. Something that is just there - and 'potentially' we could just try to run it over but
we circumnavigate it anyway.
But so all these Trump news keep popping up - and its just 'sad'. Its like the US all of a sudden turned into a 3rd world country.
Where is reason? And what of all the people that still support him? Are they saying that what he has done so far was in any way,
shape or form 'good'?
Is this a game? "Test your tolerance!"?
Ahw, sorry. The issue I'm concerned about is more about education than politics. Although ... 'politics' only applies loosely on
... you know what. Its not entertainment! I mean, there is this person and somehow people support him. And by people I don't mean
"uneducated hillbillies" ... although ... you know what!
Are they so consumed of themselves that they don't see what they are doing? [***] Oh yea, so ... its "that time"? "No resources
bullshit excuse!" ... thats supposed to make me sympathic now? ...
Sorry, dear reader!
I would have expected in about as much of the Trump administration as has occurred, but that would say that Trump is the Antichrist.
One of them. And whatever they were trying to do didn't work. Maybe. I know this ... "person" ... as one of the "louder voices"
... "in my mind". Whoever this person is. Maybe I'm schizophrenic and so see this "person" in other people; And I want to break out
of this bubble. My trouble isn't that there are voices; The problem is what they 'talk about' ... basically. That what they talk about
are things that go on in this world; And that 'they' are the driving forces. I try to argue against them where I think they are wrong;
And as things keep getting worse I feel confirmed in my agenda.
Although ... I think that most of the time these voices are arguing against me. And where its about right or wrong; And I won - they
are in the position to just say 'no'. And doing so gets them high of some sense of accomplishment; They grew insane - and somehow
this dominance by force is ... their drug.
And I'm just a nobody somewhere in the mix. I try to do my thing, ignoring "them", but every once in a while I got to points that
made me feel like ... they think that I'm talking to them. Maybe ... I should. Maybe thats the point. But I have nothing to say to
them!
When I write about Sex - I'm doing so in the context of reality. "Duh". I mean, what I wrote previously - those voices - or rather
the driving "forces" of this world that rule in ignorance - that is there; While I do my thing and I can't do anything about it. And
... "they want to have Sex". And I mean that more in the way of 'owning' it. Owning it gives power. Well - we, the ordinary people,
aren't in a position of relating to it this way. But all the talk of each of our voices being special and the encouragement to share
our ideas; ... thats a double-edged sword. If they know we want something - they are in a position to give it to us, possibly. That
is a double-edged sword too. (They think they are on top of a pyramid, but what they don't get is that its upside down and built on
a crooked foundation). [Oh happy day ...]
... oh, I just saw something ... .
So - apparently I was going to write about Sex here; And yes - that was the initial ... thing. As of that I however have come to a
point that makes me just ... want to not take it seriously anymore. Something makes me think that along the way they have tried to
own what I wrote about; ... or brag about already owning it - to themselves or whatever; And that is one of the issues ... I don't
have anything to say about.
I wonder ... what is there left to say? Not much! I'm a whore; And that just says that I would much prefer a sexual work environment.
And there we go. What? Why? How? And so I'd have to go and explain and explain - but by now other things have come to my attention.
Not taking it seriously then came easier. Like, what is rape? What is it I want? Some uber krass bouncy sex, humpin it, "wraaaaaaaah",
doink doink doink - "whaat? Just 1 minute in?" "WraaaaaaaH" "get in the monster truck and build a fucking machine" "wraaaaaaH" - eeh,
"no?". Sometimes I try to describe emotions - and this is one such attempt. And it works for me - saying - this is pretty close to
what I am trying to say. But if that isn't enough for you, [here]'s some more. (The closing parts might still
be interesting though)
That is trying to be serious, rational - trying to solve misconceptions, trying to establish ideas that help comprehension; And I think
there is a lot of important stuff ... going on ... but; ... I've been loosing sight of something else. And it seems like I'll
continue to do so if I try to keep that up. I'm trying to account for it - but ultimately its just a thing of common sense.
On to something slightly else - and actually more on the 'topic'
There are many things that can be said to make it look like ... you want it to. I feel like there should be a word for that. Wordsalad
is used already. Gibberish means something more specific. "Unsense (bubble)"? We can for instance "agree" that all men are pig and all
women are whores. We can go and explain how this sentence is a credible reflection of our society. The problem is that here in the
part ... [all men are pig] for instance ... we take a qualification that we normally associate to 'not everybody' and extend it onto
'everyone'. So, the best of us is no better than the worse of us. "We're all the same".
Now, unfortunately we don't really have something like a 'leaderboard' of real life accomplishments. Thats what we however 'needed' in
order to ... get some more friction when talking of "even just assuming" that some of us might be doing better than others. There are
however things ... like, the idea of twins that grew up in identical circumstances but would end up on the opposite side of the
ethical spectrum; But ... however the reality of it; I know I have a biased perception of this because I believe that people are born
as individuals. And individuality does not only include 'style'. And all that is important when we get to unsense.
However ...
@18:20~
What would I do - what would I not? As mentioned earlier, I don't think this is how it works! I've had some difficulties getting to
my point with this as whatever I wrote didn't fit because of some insight that debunked it. And so this insight is now what is the
point. Thinking of those twins: How to describe good vs evil? So - a man walks up to them, offers them candy, one takes it, the other
doesn't. So what? The one is dumber than the other and we don't know who is which! "LOL!".
So, the two go to see Return of the Jedi the first time in the theatre - they both come out - and the one wants to be a Jedi, the
other wants to be a Sith. What went wrong? Is 'Sith Lord' an ... "ethically correct" choice?
When we "unsense" unsense we can speak of it as 'sensing' it. We dissect the whole and ask questions to gather as much meaningful
information as possible. So - when we don't know a thing we can understand that there is stuff we don't know enough about and hence
can't fully "endorse a conclusion" with utmost certainty. For instance.
If we assume that those twins are psychologically identical we would explain this divergeance as a matter of randomness. A coincidence.
So in theory we could map out the entire situation and point onto the chain of events that led to that outcome. And if it are just
microfractures of a thing, like, how the light arrived differently in the retina of the two thus causing a diverging perception and
bam - chainreaction. If we assume the two to be not identical - and if we imply those microfractures to be a thing that is pretty much
inevitable - we would blame the outcome on their individual psychologoy going in.
In these examples there is yet the 'basic' ... 'bottom' premise of two identical psychologies. We so didn't solve the issue per se,
but within the margin of things that matter we did. And now wonder: What is normal?
What would I do - what would I not? This question is like asking: When given ... 20 million bucks, what would you do with it? The point
is ... free will. Hmm ... let me try to trick you into acknowledging that free will is a thing. Pretend that you don't have it!
Tadaa! Sooner or later ...
We do what we want. What we have on mind helps us analyzing what there is, what we have, can do with it and stuff. When I built places
or houses in Duke Nukem 3D/build, or UnrealEd for DeusEx, one of the main things I aimed to have was some secret room. Who wouldn't
want a large house with a secret cave? Then, what to use that cave for? Within the confines of the Duke Nukem 3D "theme pack" - that
could be anything from a tech lab to a murder cave. Literally, just one huge are filled with monsters surrounded with hideouts, weapons,
ammo and health. We used to do that a lot as kids in Wolfenstein 3D. And there's that famous Doom map. Same thing, sortof. But I'd go
for Sex. Some wouldn't mind having a secret room - I suppose - and I am well aware of it, that "the Sex" is one of the things I want to
have and looking for a place I think of a secret room. Sortof. Depends on what the rest is about. I guess. The point is that "the
interest makes it". Its not perfectly automated that if you build a villa in one of those things you are going to have a secret room.
There is a high chance because the game is full of those, its part of the standard, but not going through the process of learning about
those things - ... .
Another point is time. An amount of time spent gets to be equal to stuff done; And what you're concerned about the most would be what
you're going for first. Maybe a nice entrance, stairwell, champaign bar, pool/garden/terrace, ... would be higher up on your list than
a secret vault. So, by trying to keep the place "clean" I would then go and hide it away. And in that space a lot of fantasies occur.
And based on that I can't tell ... what I would or wouldn't do. I have to admit, even, that this is an example of conditions where I
would ... at least in a sense imply the possibility for some criminal activity. But how can it be criminal when I don't even have a
choice? I already made it? And now?
What is Love? What is Sex? I try to understand how Sex is what it is ... and the most reasonable thing for me right now is that my
attraction to it is mostly derived from implications of doing it. Its a space of emotions - a plane of attractions - a positive
reality for me to be in. Its like my heart, in that removing it doesn't feel right. And so, in some sense, I'm inherantly guilty.
So is the story of a tame raptor that doesn't hurt anybody. A real kids favourite. In comes bad guy who uses bad raptors to get people
afraid of raptors - and now two things: The 'probability' for our good raptor to be bad increased - and the legal pursuit by people gets
our good raptor into trouble. Just an anecdote.
Could you tease that raptor to act like one? Sure! As you can tease people to behave like monkeys!
So, with that out the way - 'what does' God value in us? What 'does' God ... want?
And oh, well - I guess that is a question I should write stuff about; Because ... "if anyone" ... well, maybe! You're supposed to look
at me for 'some' reason; And OK - we got part 1 which is that, and part 2 ... well ... maybe I'm thinking too much of myself; But there
is one thing I'm pretty sure about: I do 'hope' that I don't ever get into a bad situation like that! Maybe I'm even too afraid of doing
anything wrong that I kindof ... think less of me than I should. And I know I'm not a bad person; I don't want to be one! And
... thats where 'growing up' becomes a part of the equasion. That as we first have to learn of the concepts that are then going to
matter. Or describe us. A description of me doesn't require me to know about it; And ... thats a weird thing!
The thing is kindof that the only true hope of staying out of harms way I got is God. And so it were those that would listen to him that
he would choose - it seems!
And thats where I set my standards. Standards that didn't exist that way before I learned about them close up, standards I had to bend to
wrap my head around atheism, but ultimately I know that the ... OK, lets ... dive in a little deeper: apparent bad that God caused me
allowed me to see that the real bad that made up the badness of the badness I was in didn't come from God but from bad people. Gods 'fault'
was only to not magically give me an upper hand in those battles. Well, he did gave me one - for me, to my judgement and awareness,
to my situational ... relativity ... as ... nothing but goodness coming my way while being homeless in the streets of L.A..
And if Gods judgement for me has been to share my fate with the less fortunate - well, if they can adapt to it, so can I!
Obviously I would consider myself more lucky yet! Still! A lot more! But given the things I need to legitimately function ... the line of
"acceptable losses" is slightly different. I would say!
Plus, if I think this way - I couldn't grant myself anything good ever!
And so am I not hypocritical about 'striving for the better'. Oh ... well ... yea!
And now, what choice do I have? Can I grow against it? Or does 'growth' - in the 'cosmic' sense - imply a deepening of those ...
intricacies? ...
CNS.2017.11.06|0328
hmm ... . He took something from me that I loved, like a baby, and through my love for it he somehow got in touch with
those emotions and entangled with them. When in conflict with God (or so) he relates to that as himself, and behaves as
though he were innocent. (overlapping spirits)//2017.11.08|16:01