While the text I present to you outside of this may be nice to read, I nonetheless regard it as bad. I however also regard it
as something I cannot get rid of. It is part of how I work.
So is this whole page somewhat intentionally a mess; And that basically for as long as I don't have anything better to provide.
That is including all the things connected to it, saying: I think its pointless to try and brush things up at this point. For me
as a single entity at least.
Because a lot of the 'why' this is as it is, is a part of that mess, I want to herein look for things I can extract from that. The
very first item is the issue of cooperation. That I as a single entity have problems managing some of the work is a
practical problem you may all understand, that the matter I'm dealing with here is social in nature is another.
It should immediately raise a red flag. How can I as a single entity even attempt to tackle social issues? Well - you may find,
it isn't all that difficult for as long as you have some social experience to draw from. The main social experience regarded in all
this is the one between the individual (me) and the Force (God). The basic gist of all this is about what I have learned
being within the Ninefold, which is that Synergy with God - and that is synergy with those that are in Synergy with God. Unification isn't only
a Unification with God but also with others that are unified with Him. While the individual may perceive himself as an isolated entity in
time and space, God through the Ninefold opens that up - so that even I as a single entity, that I believe, have had to learn and grow
into things that are basically social in nature. Well, because the social component is inevitable.
This however is not about constructing our society in the macro. It is about individuality. Growing into the social concepts of the
Ninefold is a part of that. What you are, determines which people you're better off with. So the general idea. A lot of complex
issues emerge from that - and is somehow resolved within Gods wisdom and mirrored back to us. We can call this 'the incubation of a
You might reckon that I go a bit over board where you might assume that all this is relatively trivial considering that we only need
a box of rules to allow an individual to function properly; But I highly doubt that this is what God will tell you once you're in
In terms of internet culture this is about "SJW"s. So, "Social Justice Warriors" that drag ethical concerns into areas
they don't belong into - and create conflict as objectivity and subjectivity can't really compete with each other. Individuality, what an
individual needs in order to grow strong, be considered healthy and in harmony with its environment - all those are concerns that
when imposed onto others creates an insult. In a simple matter that is what happened during the Nazi period in Germany (where being
a Jew was the insult) - and it happens nowadays where some idea of social justice generates a similar idea of supremacy.
The gist is that by learning these things from God we learn how to be ourselves without insult - or if you take insult, ... you have to argue about that with the Most high. This isn't about being passive and obedience - it is about learning about what God supports and how. Here I don't see humanity
as one amorphous blob of uniformity, but a rich set of diverse approaches onto what it means to be alive. Those individual ways of
life cannot intimately harmonize with each other as one single blob, but they can so once perceived as special in their own right.
"Hence" the term 'clarity'. Referring to ones personal clarity about itself, its being, its strengths and weaknesses, what
it wants from the things that are and what it can want in which way. This for instance implies that I am 'granted' to aspire for
being a Goddess (which is a unique role in Heavens) - yet for sakes of social order that is contained within a set of understandings relative to the outlines of its
relevance. Also am I thereby not any Goddess I might be, but I am my very own self in a way that fits the call and hence there is a
form of compromise that describes who I am. It is a restriction in a sense - but essentially this restriction implies a volume greater
than that of my own freedom. It is something I can grow up into and is constructed in accordance to my personal desires and interests
in it; Relative to a society where that is of value.
Whats missing are the implied social counterparts - which - creates a perpetual problem: Balance. Clarity is a higher, 'estoeric'
concept that grows between myself and God. Here identity is a spiritual thing, a thing of concepts, experiences, priorities,
cognitive structures ... while in reality it is a social thing. I am what you make of me. Being in synergy with God meant that we
could regard each other through the truth that God is giving into it - but if we came from vastly different cultural backgrounds
we have no real reason to suggest that our individual norms need to make sense to each other. Lets say I get recognized as a Godess
in society A, ... should you as part of B therefore recognize me as that too? Well, if you lived in an Atheistic society - I'm 'shrunk' to the
next best thing which would be an Ambassador or something alike. Yet once that isn't a thing - I'm only human.
Or am I?
So - here I can't tell what you would make of it - neither what exactly I have to make of it. And so you have to always consider that
these things are unfiltered and will take a more comprehensive shape in due time within due circumstances.
OK, I've come to a point, from just writing, ... where I found the whole piece useless again. And while all along there might be a lot of stuff in there thats interesting, mayhap new, ... supportive in whatever way, ... it comes down to the yield in the end that basically the entire meta changes; Where I'm ... experiencing it as being put back to start.
"Death/Game Over Warp"
There's a lot to be said ... maybe. It all depends and stuff, and/or whatever. "So I guess I'll leave it [here (nicole.daeryabaar.com)
] - to finally get started on page 2 of this whole thing. Wanted to get to it a while ago, ... but was way too caught up in ... writing stuff. Now, I'm not sure if it helps ... "still" ... or not. But I try to be me - at least intellectually (which doesn't take much other than leaving it all up to the "good old processor").
So, page 2 should I guess be all about "the meta" ... of me being transsexual, prostitution and all that - but, that eventually ... goes a long way. But on the other hand we got some reality warping action going on here anyway. See it as a prism. We can now take any item on the previous page and make it the inflection point through which we so open up this second page. And depending on which we take, ... we have to present the narrative accordingly. And don't tell me ... I will do so on my own ... suppose that this whole subject does add a lot of controversy unto what might otherwise a pretty easy piece of cake. Well - so I thought to myself at the very beginning! "Yea, Eden! Strong solid proof - now, nobody can say a thing about/against that!". And yea ... I was kindof right, I guess. Some dude responded: "Well, I can do that too; Cutting out a few pieces of a map and sticking them together!" ... no kidding?!
Well, those two Mormon missionaries that I accompanied me through to my baptism, ... they seemed pretty hype for it - but by that point I hadn't been expecting anything more than "on surface" Level faith ... tops ... anyway. By which I mean ... I had to learn real quick that people around me ... or people I talked with about stuff ... couldn't really catch up to my pace of argumentation. Lets just ... put it that way. I mean ... maybe I too was just scared. Frightened to take more daring steps forward. But ... I mean, ... well. Thats a big deal sometimes within the things I write about. Every once in a while I touch upon points as these and those through which this issue here also gets shoved into the spotlights. What I did, could have done. This little bump here is actually quite easy for me to debunk. The "method" in my mind that would have led me down 'that (faithful in the church) road' was some "item" or gimmick I yet had to produce - and that pretty much does come down to my state of mind. So, is that riddle one? I mean ... maybe ... I'm seeing things wrong and ... I have to correct myself.
I've already been working at several things, one thing in particular, ... but this "first bunch" of stuff I did ... did get lost to me. So after my Baptism I tried to somehow replicated that, formulate a little book to hand around, ... and the issue is now ... 'what interrupted my efforts on completing it?'. I would argue that ... well, from my own perspective ... there's a dream that pretty much constitutes a turning point I guess. It revolves around lust - where now an inner shift of mine had led to ... lets say ... flood gates being opened.
Thats it. I had been madly in love with a girl and after baptism that state had slowly worn off. I came to my senses ... about it ... sotospeak ... as I also got to value it less and less ... I think. Within baptism a lot comes together ... and ... the essence of that feeling ... just makes everything ... else ... seem like worthless tat. Its purifying in a way ... as fresh air. It just 'is' ... and does the badliness away.
But so I felt free ... after I finally got my mind off that girl ... and, ... I guess what I had was a flashback of what I might have missed. So, something I missed because of that love. So I called an old friend ... and that night had a dream. Or ... at least somewhen past that point. Or the day before? The one thing most certain about that dream was that I fell down into some underground facility that was full of green glowing goo. Thing is that I didn't follow that "road" ... where, I want to throw in the term "prismatic dream" - which, refers to the dream in terms of real life value. Rather than being a dream that holds some inner story it is a dream that sticks out to the conscious mind and by doing so has an impact on it. I want to argue that this is what ultimately led to the whole J.Lo thing, thus me visiting both - NYC and LA.
Well, sure. By church standards I was 'unworthy' at some point. I picked up smoking again and from there on things went pretty much "downhill" - we could say.
But if there's merit to the "a prophet is nothing where he's coming from" line - I guess I did well by not looking for my fortune around me. Can I? I still didn't finish expressing what I mean by 'low surface level faith'. As the Matrix would let me say. People are stuck in their lives, afraid of loosing what they had built. And that also goes a long way into social dynamics, norms, friendships, etc. - like ... what social consequence is there for you by turning this way or another. "Here" we have some lonely dork whom nobody seems to really care much about and "there" we have ... 'reality' ... 'life as it matters' ... 'whatever the hey'.
I tried - and if, it would make me feel crazy if time and time again I wouldn't have learned how people generally react. So, I did try to tone down a little - see how far things go - and basically just when consciously trying to not say 'it' does conversation with "other believers/atheists" work out. Or did. So, be that Gods will, bad luck or something.
Now, on the other hand I was writing about the 'item'. Our obligatory MacGuffin? The thing is that I didn't finish it because it was no longer on my mind. Or in other terms was I still busy trying to understand a few things about the 12 Aeons - which was one 'item in the block' of things that would have mattered to me in terms of providing something of a ... 'worthy MacGuffin'.
Yet, once I so came back from LA, Video Games had been on my mind and that has basically been a quick yet smooth transition. In the latter days of mine in LA I already begun drawing Video Game stuff and that led to me learning C++, OpenGL and Assembler - later that year. Following year. I got back ... November? October or November, ... or December? Hmph ... LOL!
So, the item just wasn't there ... even in my mind. So, the mistake ... technically only grew there. "I lost it". Which - lets just rephrase it: The process/duty/gadget of 'decyphering the EA'. Or, the NHC ... for that matter. "The Milennium Puzzle" - "and he who solves it ..." ... is prophet? I mean, the story ... jumps out of foundation there. Facts however have to override fiction - which can be regarded and drawn into it. Then it is the prophet who might understand a few things about it. Or enough to unlock certain important pieces of it. Expressions such as "in due time" or "as intended" ... can support that understanding.
So does that however already set the next goal - where now - is it that first, or ... should I first look for allies? I mean - if I don't have the proper utilities to solve it, how could I? At some point it states that two people is the 'minimum' - and so far, that would seem fair. I think this doesn't mean that you can't come some way alone ... but ... it doesn't really make any sense.
But, what does?
Which is why we're here. What does?
We're basically at that exact point here. You get to know me and a bit of my backstory - and 'that' puzzle is kindof 'there' - but, as it stands, ... not in my story! Maybe thats wha 'the golden book' of the revelation is about. If you're getting it, ... you're getting it wrong!
This is a piece of the story that should be told to you - I guess. I mean, the part that should encourage you to put your own processor to good use. To build your own relationship with God. AS THAT IS THE ONE ... big defining factor. Whenever the topic gets out of hand, or an issue too wild ... you have to keep in mind that God equals 'Home Base'. Thats one thing you can take from me as an advise of experience. Ultimately ... God is the better friend ... the safer option ... and the wiser ally.
And thats how I made or make a lot of my points. We can get to those situations that are really abstract, hard to get or otherwisely controversial. It is there then often a good choice for me to emphasize the merits of a reality wherein such a thing as 'absolute fact' exists - and to recall how the most fundamental of relationships to God is the only way you can really start learning of His will. For you.
Hmm ... a formulation with "grow a pair of balls" is also possible in this context.
What "Golden Book" I could write - for, lets face it: Whatever I might produce could then be viewed that way - is as the current state of affairs had it an 'overflow'. "Error". Just ... to get it straight: Thats what this blog up there is there for; And I yet have to branch out here to get into some of the more ... 'graphic detail'. It is another side of my conscious motion through spacetime right now that I ... I explore myself. Agree with it or not. I would as of my current mindset say that I'm every once in a while getting "high" ... in some way ... and I have to write about certain things. And that also comes and goes if I don't smoke any weed.
The first incident I can record goes as far back as mere moments after I 'got in'. Some tiredness overcame me while - some strange erotic energy ... comforted me, or 'put me to sleep'. But how would I have known to read that?
So, it takes a mind that is attuned to those concepts and how to regard them to then finally do so. And I think that is what I have come to develop over those times. J.Lo in that regard was just the same as the girl before, but, now seen as through different goggles. And I'd argue some things ... are left for you to see. The "Baker vs. Butcher" thing, burning that car, ... "zzzzzzz", ... ... its ... something. It did last for in about the same time ... and how things went on after that box had been checked ... well, ... might be a second or third chapter.
Thats where I then got to learn of a few things which would later help me evolve a mindset through which I could make solid sense of all those things.
Welp. "Something like that", for what I have aren't really answers that are specifically aimed at that problem. To me 'that problem' is more like ... a few difficult Levels I had to get through. And then I eventually glitched out of bounds, ... sotosay.
One thing that "it did" was that I'm really careful to not make any overly ambiguous statements - which, depends on what I can see as such. If I were to write about love, feelings and romance, ... I for instance see how once I try to describe one thing it also reads as a totally other thing I know ... like, ... whats a warm and pleasant feeling? I know ... many - and they're not all ... 'working' the same way either.
And same happens with ... describing how Unification ... feels. The experience, the impressions. I ultimately had to learn that the best way in doing so is by right away picking abstract terms that don't try to accurately mimic themselves as this would be recognized as a different thing. So, basically lifting that which by definition is out of your reach onto a respectively symbolical pedestal. And as you can't crack that symbolism - you don't have the appropriate experience. Which is how it should be. Once you crack that seal you have the experience and understand 'the Light'.
Which is though something I have to mention. That so this 'Light' is different than whatever illumination might sparkle in your imagination. Which is where those that want to deny its existence of course can start a debate, ... and thats just the point!
So sure, just calling it Light won't work. And just slapping the Light label onto some emotions isn't really the thing either. The true understanding of what this 'Light' is comes through once you visualize its origin. Or try so. Where now 'the' Light is created by God - as everything else ... and thats a dilemma until you realize that there can be more. That certain things are just kept from us until we 'enter'. Until 'God' can commit to us - a commitment that then expands into the most intimate spheres of ourselves. The logic behind this brainchild is that whatever we are ... 'is'. So - whatever you got deep within yourself hidden in whatever nook or cranny; If it 'is' - it 'is' - and everything that is - is aware to God. It cannot be any other way. I mean it. It 'can't'. Like you can't play a Video Game without a gaming device. A computer of some kind. But you got to be with it. Thats the point. You got to grow ... as yourself. God won't do the growing for you.
This ... 'independence driven' personal growth is ultimately what it all comes down to - for me at least. If God gave me something to be smart about - well, there were programming, physics, scriptures, ... . Well, a note on physics: Note how the Higgs Boson was labeled as 'God Particle' - while being made a big deal, like shouting "there is no God" into the world. Though, Quantum Mechanics in my opinion make more sense once you believe in God - while it also gives you a lot of complex reasons to do so.
But no - whats really the matter is ... this whole growth thing.
I just can't escape it. And that ... would be why.
There so, in the idea, is a different book to be written. But what concerns me right now is ... rather complex and yet still in its infancy. I write about it quite frequently - and generally those things tend to become the longest. They so also drag through my real life. And ... as I was mentioning, eventually also rush me like a drug. To the point that I smoke weed to amplify it even further. Coffee can be stimulating too - with - tobacco in combo.
I don't do crack or cocaine - or any hard drug. I barely drink.
I got stuck on meth once, but thats a different story. One, ... however, that goes beyond just that. It matters to me right now - and that in regards to the folks I was with back then - where now I ... have a mindset about those things that rather get me to worry about them, thinking, well, ... what addiction can do. One of the reasons why we might actually be interested in prohibiting 'those drugs'. But then, sometimes the actually harmful part about it is society! I mean, ... if we can ignore the harmful effects of a drug ... for a moment ... we can look about what it does. Do they mess people up? I'm not sure! By meth however the consumer stays awake and has an urge of doing stuff. Some use it to play cards, others to play Videogames - I guess - and others do art. We can be concerned about people lagging behind in terms of productivity, but we also got to stop pretending that we have an accurate idea of how productive we need to be.
Now, it is on that note that I would see the drug debate take a closer look at those more extreme drugs. That will remain controversial - while - a more educated sense of what the 'harmless' drugs, or "more" harmless drugs (in terms of alcohol and tobacco (which are more harmful than weed, physically at least)) do would open up gates to deal with that in more educated ways 'then'.
I mean, that way you could look at any Dungeon in any Zelda game and say: "Nope, we rather don't try because we don't have any keys to open any of those locked doors!".
But OK, thats enough ... side-talk.
So, right at this ... what more could you expect from me? At this point - well - yea, it is after all supposed to be a social effort to ... "do it". Well, whatever it is that lets you, or would make you, disagree with me in the end ... it has to start somehow. While you disagree you might worry that it is me who is wrong. But you can also leave me out of the picture.
What I'm concerned about roughly translate into issues that are socially controversial. Controversy ... well, is a double-edged sword in this case. The most important side of it is that controversy splits us into camps. And while this happens our unity can be one of factions at best. And that is also the understanding I get as related to Unification. Which is where I 'now' want to branch of [here
] - where, however all that matters - the key idea there is to understand which 'good ways' exist in meaningful ways. So - between Light and Dark there are many gives and takes that exist. If we want to be as confused as to totally deny the existence of good and evil we can see both sides in a neutral light - where to make it a practice of "P.C. delusion" we further remove any true negativity from the image. Whats left are things that the light side does better and things that the dark side does better. Differences come down to a given principality - but, to cut the nonsense right there; What matters is that in regards of values we so apply a grid of 'good' upon those terms. So, what one side has upon the other is a 'good' of some form - which so matters to us. It ... "triggers a positive response" ... maybe.
So, if we talked about murder being now good for some reason - it actually isn't ... really. But we had to maybe redefine murder. OK, suicide is ... bad? Death wishes are ... sick? But well, someone who dreams of getting killed - whats, ... life for that person anyway? Is life going to be any better for that if it so chooses to ignore those passions? Would it even do the step when given the opportunity? And what would such a step entail? Whats the foreplay? Whats ... going to be the 'it' - that we'll know - once we have that common sense that we ought to have to be comfortable with these kinds of issues.
One argument that regularly echoes through my mind is some demand for some sacrifice. Sure ... what I expose is really a lot ... influenced by some 'Lust' - which would make me look excessive, ... "drunk", ... but what I know as the force eventually took the shape of that Lust and demanded me to trust it. Otherwise referred to by referring to some 'awkward feeling' that keeps me away from completely ignoring certain things I understand as core items of my being.
So, I get to write a lot about those things while what I tell you here has been told in this and that way already.
The thing there is that ... we have to get away from some sense of equality. The reason why I'm different than you is because I'm different. Which is the only reason that makes sense considering that we otherwise are all perfectly the same.
But what constitutes this difference? Lets call it 'ego' for now. Self that takes shape. Now, what you're asking me to do may seem reasonable from your end of the table. I mean, if you're 'normal' - you sortof have the support of the mainstream, saying to you there is an 'us' for backup while I stand in the corner faced against the wall. Stuff like, 'find yourself a job'. Not doing certain things, ... where, there are lots of examples to say yes to that. Yes to health, reason and sanity. I'm all for that!
Which is ... the "wiggly bit" about it.
You should see how you would think it were uncool of me if I came into your life and slaughtered those dear to you. To say the least. Thats why we should all be anti-war. But war would be one reason to do so. If you could call it that. Or some related 'bullshit excuse'. Through that excuse you might excuse yourself, ... but if it happened to you, you'd yet ... "swear revenge" or something ... eventually.
So, we don't like murderers. Even a society of murderers wouldn't really tolerate such amongst them. Or, in first place there were a tolerance in form of some companionship - so it could become a society that wouldn't right away fall apart because every noob got pwned in the spawning area.
To then work as a society we have to extend that rule-set of tolerance beyond our own ... and when in conflict with others we have to learn how we can get along.
So, ultimately the story there goes ... well, the most welcome look at it, in my regard, were that of saying that 'actually' I'm a sex slave that is bound into some really really kinky stuff and all "that" is just the story of how I react to that as I begin to figure those things out.
And so it makes sense that I get some 'high' regularly, which is just the inner truth bursting outward while it lacks any other mechanism of ... being. Where some might or should argue that is only 'that extreme' because those are practically 'forced expressions' that override my own self-control. So, coming from within based on pressure, tensions and what not. But ... the thing there is that a Sex-Slave can be put into a lot of fictional environments - reality would come with a quantifiable amount of ... stuff. Like, how often would it be - a thing? Once a month? Twice a year?
So, there's ... a difference between so and so while there is no practical clue because ... there ... isn't anything to be real actually.
Part of that story also is the story of the withering of my mind. Call it a sub-plot. Is it? Is it not? At which rate? Special or normal? Normal in what sense?
But thats what 'that' is there for. Why I'm branching off. So, to share 'whats' going on, how I relate to it - where the big important thing is that structure that 'makes sense' for all of us. So, there then is that - where the next stage of detail is to figure out in how much I deviate from what is 'correct'. Which means ... is 'whore' completely wrong ... or not?
And it would be a big deal. I would think that if you asked me to just 'cut it off' - I'd have to ask you to cut whatever is really important to you off. "Just so". It is different within your frame of reasoning, your social norms, ... and you might have difficulty to understand why they are not perfect, or, why my position should bother you. It should, ... because, ... maybe I'm right!
I however don't try to deceive anyone - so, I guess ... its got to be good somehow!
And yea. Well ... you might want to try and understand all these things on a political level, but ... maybe try not to! Try to understand that it is more than that! Its not a political agenda, its however a personal one first.
... But whatever! ... 2018.03.11 | Where was I?