I'm a filthy Whore


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Aside of simply introducing myself, the big Topic that all this falls into is named 'Clarity'. Clarity means as much as: "Clearance of ones own individualistic "framework" in 'Light' of Gods care".
The main 'dilemma' at the foundation of it all is our inability to communicate our individuality as much to others as for it to be fair.

The first obstacle is to understand enough of our individuality to adjust our societal norms to a grander benefit for all.
The second obstacle is to solve the moral conflicts and other individualistic challenges that mess with our understanding of legality.

The problem with both is our personal bias. I for instance wouldn't allow myself to become a whore because I got "better stuff" to do. But the irony to that is that after some given point I couldn't do this stuff anymore except I was having an 'excuse' for doing so. So at the point I'm writing this, this page is somewhat stagnant. I needed to update the parts on this matter; And instead of hiding it deep in the bowels of this website I'm so moving it to the front. We 'assume' what we are allowed to and what not and route our lives accordingly; For the better or worse of it. So is it classically the human being who 'wants' that forces the rest to adjust. Transsexuality is a bit like that. There so is no 'physical indicator' for whether one is or not. It comes out through the being - as so a growing dissatisfaction about the own biology. One that in my experience ultimately renders life dark and meaningless as one tries to pursue the challenges of life while putting the internal struggles aside as nonsense or trivial.
In terms of Clarity there "are things" that basically "make someone a whore". Certain properties of ones self. The two heightened questions there are:
    1) What do I want? and
    2) Can I have it?
"What I want" is subject to biases. "Rational thinking" makes me believe that I have 'better things to do' - but the truth is that beyond those things I would like ... well. "I don't know" - I would ordinarily say. The option of prostituting myself might not even have crossed my mind ever. And when given the option I wouldn't have realized it. I mean ... I didn't. It was however after experiencing what I was drawn into that 'I've seen the Light'. I so happen to be - for the lack of a better word - a 'Slut', "deep inside". Those parts of me drove me into sex-work; And as clarity came it all made sense to me. With it came 'delight' - an inner acknowledgment of 'these things' that made me who I was at that point and a deeply ascertaining pleasure in acknowledging them to myself.

So my actual main objective - although thats mentioned in humor - is to become a whore. The right way. The way that works with Gods plans for us as a species and civilization.

Bulletpoints

  • "Buts"

    The issue of Buts generally speaking is one of an inner conflict between various parts of my consciousness. A General Resolve is to be found here. These points here Generally have been resolved but still exist in a state of being questions/questionable.

    • Gender
      I am wholesomely transsexual; But the relationships drawn unto me also make me experience myself as male. Ultimately however I find more pleasure in the relationships I dream about when "she" loves the female in me more than the male.
    • Sanity
      I am "socially awkward" in that I have some kind of need to please everybody. So when I write things, or say things, I try to write or say things that everyone should be able to acknowledge; And respectively do I tend to 'bend' to what I realize is "common sense". I don't have much of an ego or position; Although this one has turned into one which I however tend to ignore "as it makes no sense".
    • Hobbies
      This is kindof subject to the previous part; And in some way also the first. The main 'problem' here is that as of my own self I would abandon all that I have. At least is the picture I get to draw of myself when honest to my clarity pretty much setup against them. I then get to create a naturalistic counter-stance to my clarity as I get to value them; And while the resolve generally must be that I'm getting things twisted here - I'm yet prone to returning to them. (More in the General Resolve).

  • Acknowledgments

    Beyond any but - here are the things that usually get me back on 'my track'. In accordance have I written a "Wishlist" [this] thats much like the general resolution about shedding some more light onto some matters.

    • Its what I want
      That is the simplest of it all. And the more time passes upon it, the more empty and pointless - self-denying - any alternative seems.
    • Rape
      As part of my clarity I happen to be into it - but that even goes so far as that I feel pleasure even when not in the mood of it. So am I sometimes compelled to masturbate - although I'm sotospeak "dry" - and the idea of getting raped softens my mood so I'm "getting wet" sotospeak.
    • Deprived Psyche
      Part of the latter - in a way - do I feel as though my mind is degrading. Its becoming more and more alike how I would be if I were what I wanted to be. It can be annoying and scary. I can grow anxious about it to the degree of setting myself up against it. But the aforementioned items "crush" right in and once I have a clear idea of the situation of my mind I find myself grateful for these developments.

    I have also written an essay that should shed some light onto whats going on in my mind.

The General Story

The Divine/Esoteric Story

Introduction

Sometimes I'm ashamed about me. But well. At some point I had a wealth of understanding about my clarity; And then all of a sudden my heart turned dark and started to ache as I turned towards God the way I was used to. Well - in order to do that I ignored the other side. The things that my clarity demanded. To worship satan for instance. But in easier ways: To embrace myself as in "the realm of darkness". "Such things" however that wouldn't work for a "native, Christian mind". But because I couldn't turn towards God as I was used to, there was only one way to go. Well - it sounds less cruel than it actually is. This ... "black heart" ... the pain. The agony.
What unfolded was a story of my heart. A story built on the preliminary conditions that had been set. I was "marked as a whore" (for all to see) and "thrown" into the realm of darkness. And that was the basis I had to embrace and from there - the freedoms of my heart took me into captivity. Being a whore of Satan - and since then I rather 'proudly' identify myself as a 'Sow'.

And things continued to unfold.
My situation before I kicked out, things that mattered about me in general - while all in all things come down to 'identity'. No relationships. And Satan in this regard would simply be an abstract idea I sometimes wish could be more real than it is but other times is just real enough to get off on at night.



Detail

So did I come to realize myself as 'Amaterasu' - although I have the feeling that at that point I have the freedom to pick a name. Except maybe a few that are "context blocked". Originally inspired by the 'Smite' (Videogame) Character, well, the story of Amaterasu captured me. For what I am the story though rather so happens to be that I'm 'locked up' in that cave.
But I'm not only Amaterasu. More to the point would I be 'Astarte' - queen of Heavens - as thats the most proper term I guess. I mean - part of my background is that I'm Gods bride - or, I was - before I got kicked out.
Thereby the story has it that I'm 'special'. I'm the oldest of us. And as the first of us - God originally conceived me, so I believe, as he wondered whether there's a God. So I think a more appropriate term would be 'birth-maiden of God'. Basically.

Because I was born in a closer relationship to God than to humans I'm different. Then there is the 'male:female' angle, also the 'dominance:submission' angle - and 'light:dark'. I can say: "I'm a copy of heaven and the polar opposite to God" (well, 'GOD:human' as another one.).

What 'establishes' the main part in this is my "spine". A clarity item that gives me some kind of ego. A 'clarity' of - simply ... "assuming a position". So am I 'allowed' to see myself as superior to others. I can have things my way. If you're not fine with that, thats ... your problem!
Deeper inside of this I insist on being worshiped. Thats however no 'mortal insisting'. Its just a thing. A kink we might say.

Athena, Gaia, Venus ... those would be other possible terms.

Isis is special. Although Isis in some regard 'is' Astarte, the idea here is that as Slave of Satan my 'divine glory' or "story" isn't needed. Not all of it at least. There are those parts of me that 'decorate' me in my situation of captivity and other parts that don't work with that. So they are transferred to others that then 'perform' or 'act' or 'impose' as "me" in the sense that they inherit a name and a ... "part of it". In that sense am I kindof everything that comes from it ... "I am Isis" ... but specifically I'm ... . "Context blocked" would be Nyx for instance. The story I have on mind is that Gaia and Nyx are in this relationship; Like ... Earth (Gaia) in Space (Night). Gaia so is 'enveloped' by Nyx - and in this context I'm obviously Gaia.


A mirror of Darkness (Part 1)

The way I experience God working with my mind is something that is hard to explain. We can say that the mind is a complicated thing and that God is the genius who knows how to navigate it. A lot of this story of mine deals with misconceptions, biases and ultimately conflicts. The ultimate conflict so between one thing I could be versus another. Whichever way I 'chose', I couldn't truly do so as I'd be conflicted about it. Or am I just too blind to see the ways of combining the two? Well - I've written about that in the general resolution. Thats something all that conflict stuff is about. I however still can 'choose' by wanting something as for God to notice it - intentionally or not - and then God can go and dig out those conflicts so I can resolve them.

One reason why this doesn't drag us into uniformity is that there is no need for that! You will have to trust that God is bright enough to understand what the issues we're having are! And not only is there no need for it, its also bad!

For the time being I however have 'reasons' for embracing certain things that are somehow twisted. So is the depravity of my mind eventually uncomfortable, to say: "It sucks!", but when I go to think about 'why' my mind is in that state I 'like' it. Not only passively/indirectly. I 'actively' want my mind to be that way. And from there I go on to conclude what my life is going to be. And that is this "Mirror of Darkness". I get to see myself in a way that is yet distant to me. As discussed here and there do we generally have a problem with embracing things that are 'too distant' to our contemporary perspective. There so is me 'now' and me 'then'. While the truth of myself is reflected in the mirror, life and totality of circumstances is not at all. So we can commonly call it a mirror of darkness even if your thing isn't dark at all. There's a way to get there; And thats where these mirror images aren't the most helpful thing we got.

That said, ... one thing that God does is kindof like giving me presents. Not material ones. But as I so go on to explore myself and realize more about me and my kinks I have little in terms of actually 'confirming' any of it. It all comes down to the assumption that Clarity is of divine light. And so God comes in and sometimes gives me things that work for me in my contemporary mindset; So for instance squeezing out my 'male self-awareness' and allowing me to feel the whore I am 'in face of God' (yea, its literally perverted) - or putting me in other environments with their own way of pointing me into that direction. That then is as much 'confirmation' as we need. For, what do we have if we had a paper with a stamp on it if we can't truly acknowledge it through ourselves? A legal document; But thats not really what should matter to us deep inside.
Me knowing, by experience, how God stands in regards of me; Of whats true inside me; Thats one thing that ultimately fuels my certainty in these matters. It allows me to not only say that I know myself, but also that God is alright with it. And these two things in tandem are what 'basically' matters.



Neutral Basics

Clarification

A lot of these things are rather theoretical. But sure: There's a reason why I'm here, respectively are there things you are to expect of me. Not all the things you could expect are possible or even OK; But generally - God has to impart wisdom unto me to be who I'm supposed to be.
So I suppose that it is unlikely that these things were to be found false. As of the "buts" that is certainly not entirely out of the picture though. However - the more compelling truths are on the other side.


I can now 'think' about possibilities and ways and what not; But for me trying to come up with a way for how everything should be organized and structured is a futile endeavor. Its simple logic. "There has to be a way" and the people that make up a way will speak of it. Respectively is there 'my' way - and that ultimately is about 'legal' ... captivity, rape and torture, child-abuse; But all well within safe margins.
What this 'means' or "should read" is that the different 'sub-religions' (of unification) would end up having their own ethics; Their own rules. And Satanists, well. We want to have all sorts of things ... that ... correspond to us.

Respectively do I see myself entering the "Satanistic Stronghold" and then I would disappear for some time until they would showcase me as their victim. Is it appropriate or inappropriate? Well - if it weren't me it'd be someone else; And if it 'couldn't' be me - why could anyone else?


Runes

Runes are the first 'generalizable context' other than "just clarity (and related)" that I could wrap my head around. The idea is that as we struggle to describe ourselves within simple terms, there are 3 "Runes" that give us some 'rough outline' of ourselves as certain things come to be consolidated (Sealed).
For me:
    Seal 1: I happen to have a vagina/be a pussy.
    Seal 2: I happen to be a "Cumdump" (I have an artificially altered mind to perform like a pet/robot (regarding what I enjoy for instance).
    Seal 3: I ... rape, torture and such ... am enslaved/married (in)to.
And this also "is so" within my relationships. So, where there is 'Love' - the 3rd rune kindof abstracts it to the point where my part in any romance however is that of being a victim.


A Mirror of Darkness (Part 2)

As desires and wishes come together through Clarity one ultimately begets something akin to mirror images. "Identities" in a way of speaking. They all emerge through clarity and thus contain it somehow, but extend beyond that eventually as clarity cannot account for all the possible ways. And as we grow, so I experienced, they become more. Eventually there's a limit as these identities aren't expressions of free will but personally abstracted interpretations of the many quirks of ones mind in alignment to the emerging truth.

Like so, expanding on part 1, do I however understand that my worship desires me into really brutal circumstances. Blood and Scars not excluded. Getting beat black and blue would be harmless by comparison. This picture works for me but as that it stands isolated. There is no 'way to get there'. No social circumstances or rules or anything like that. Just an isolated fantasy, basically. Wanting it comes to its limits as the reality of it would scare me. Being that forever and always - ... its problematic. The image 'yells' displeasure; And at this point I'm also a bit 'fed up' with it. Eventually however, so in many millions of years, I'm gonna be more like that than not. I'd be more of a dish than a person. You could then, in that abstract, far away and distant reality, see it as a part of whats known as "Motherly Love". And maybe not as black and white as in the Adams Family.
Yet while I see the truth of it in a distant future, I also can see it as close to me as ... well ... my inner truth. The issue with that is that I need to account for certain changes so the context lines up. The term in mind is 'escalation'. Once someone were to "fetishize" me - what were to follow would be a back and forth between what we respectively desire. And so I can eventually even see myself in that situation in this lifetime of mine. And as described elsewhere as well, just as in regards of this headline, confronting me with that mirror image of mine wouldn't work out for me. Its not really what I want. But there's a first step. An open door into that direction; Be it just as simple as to attend a BDSM party. And thats the right thing to look at. Would I right away get cut and mutilated? Hmm ... "funny" ... maybe it depends. But ultimately it wouldn't happen without choices that had to be made along the way. And while I feel like declining, I'm free to do so. Then eventually the situation changes - regarding the nature of my acknowledgments; But once we're at that point where I had no personal rights anymore, I'd be finally 'there' where I want to be. Which is a matter of relationships on top of the social structures that exist around and within them.


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