1. Unification
[Find my blog at nicole.daeryabaar.com]

A Manifestation regarding myself and my Mission

Hello, my Name is Chris (and if everything goes well, soon to be Nicole).

The Video that proves that God exists

Well, certainly so from my perspective. Because I have a story to tell - and that "co-incidence" [matrix.daeryabaar.com] may just be what I needed to tell it.

The story began quite some while ago. I was "stranded" in an Internate on the Philippines (MVC, hi to the "Stupid Guys", this is the "Ganja Dragon"/'Walking Stick' speaking) - and somehow got around this Book ('The Gospel in Revelation' by Robert J. Wieland) which someone dropped or forgot in a friends room. Its a Christian/7. Day Adventist school. And this book rekindled my interest in the Bible.
Up unto that point I have been a believer, but not truely a Christian. I was strongly into weed (Marijuana) - and because of the high - I believed that there had to be God. I was pretty much on board with the whole "Peace and Love" stuff associated to that Drug - and respectively did I believe in a respective God. Being young (I turned 18 there) I didn't think much about it. Nor did I take it really serious. I couldn't tell me more about that God, how He'd be, ... or what He is ... . I pretty much just liked the spliff.

And this book didn't spark my interest in Christianity or the Bible by some deeply profound peace-love Christian idea. I was pretty much not OK with the Seventh Day Adventist way of living (No Drugs, no Pork, ... no Sex before marriage, ... that kind of stuff) - and up until today not much has changed about that. But we'll get to that.

Before I go on - maybe a short throw-in: My "Gospel" nowadays, my "Bible", ... you could pretty much say is TV stuff. Stargate SG1/Atlantis/Universe, Star Trek, ... well, the good stuff.
So is there this Episode, Stargate SG1 - Season 7, Episode 7 - where, well. Depending on day and mood the gist of it might vary, but right now its 'patience'. I would heartily recommend you watch it.

What this book really did to me was that it showed me aspects of the Bible that had previously been unaware to me. It are things that a Seventh Day Adventist might eventually come to know about inevitably, ... but in my fate thats been the time; Maybe the only chance I'd ever get.
My idea of the Christian God up until then has pretty much been 'void'. I didn't think he cares about us. Yet, as this book described what the books of Daniel and Revelation had to say about the Antichrist and the Roman Catholic Church - well - I on the one side didn't really know what to make of it though on the other side the sole idea of the Roman Catholic Church being evil ... it made sense. The evidence brought forth was compelling enough to make me realize that the Bible "had the answers". Thinking about whats wrong with this world. I for my part realized that the wrong started right there. But I felt like ... the answers that book provided didn't amount to much. So I grew ambitioned to learn on my own what the Bible had to say. And it was at that moment that some weird force came upon me and left a message in my mind - saying: "This won't be easy" - and I right away felt guided and protected.

Thereafter I returned to my room and started reading the Bible. I started with 'Ecclesiastes' - and lo and behold - I found my Ganja God in there. For "there is nothing better under the sun but to eat and drink and be joyful". And when browsing through the Gospels there's Matthew 15:11 and Mark 7:14. "Nothing whatsoever enters the mouth of man defiles him". Or: Not what enters the mouth of man defiles him, but what leaves the mouth of man defiles him.
So - having just been enlightened about the Truth of Seventh Day Adventism, in no time, being surrounded by Seventh Day Adventists; I sure had to share my insights. But ... its not that simple! They have excuses! Its ... been impossible to argue to them that this is what the Bible says. Weird! Its like hitting a brick wall. They'll eventually Quote 1st Korinthians 3:16+17 - The Body is the Temple of God and who defiles it will be defiled by God - where, yes! "Where in the Bible does it say 'what' defiles man?" - ... 'right there!'. It just wouldn't help.

And thats basically the story of my life so far. I mean ... the "talking to walls" part of it.

Because of multiple reasons I wanted back to germany. School there wasn't really interesting and I couldn't really pay any attention either. And spending 3 years there ... ... well, ... me and my decisions for life. I was there because I dropped out of school in first place. And, having been there for 3 month, with another 3 month left in the Semester, ... I already was done with it. On my way home we (My cousin and I) visited some relatives and thats when some Mormon missionaries came by and talked to us. Well, entering a Seventh Day Adventist household they couldn't expect much, but I was willing to listen. I prayed for a Testimony, but ... that warm fuzzy feeling just wasn't enough for me. Anyway. Soon thereafter I was back in germany, got back into the habit of smoking weed and pretty much forgot about my ambitions to learn more about the Gospel. I was a convinced believer though; And eventually, being high and engaged into discussions, I came to talk about stuff that to me were sure reasons to believe in a God. Well, "intelligent Design" basically.
This went on until my life has inevitably come to a point where I had to suffer the consequences of my bad decisions. Being a believer I was sure that good things should come my way, but ... "ain't that just the way that life goes down, down, down, down?" ... anyhow, thats what it did. So I found myself reading the Bible one day - and at one of those passages that promises great goodness to the believer I contemplated about the shit I called my life and ... I grew sad and disappointed. Whether I actually threw the Bible into a corner of my room or not I do not really remember - but then, there it was again, ... that weird Force ... . I was calmed ... and taken to the back of my Bible, where all the cross references were at. And as by a miracle I discovered 2 things that determined what I did next. The first thing were references to the Apocrypha. So, it being a Luther Bible - the authors of that specific edition probably just removed them and forgot removing the references - ... I didn't know those books existed. The concept of Apokrypha was stranger to me. The second thing was in the Appendix, an explenation to what a 'Nasirite' is. (4th Moses 6). So - you should read that yourself. I figured that since Christ the Tabernacle is no longer a thing - I could try and make this vow on a Christian basis. I thereafter was moved to ask for a sign - so I wanted meatballs the next day for Lunch. And yea, ... meatballs there were!

Like, ... driven by crazy, ... or struck by a lightning, I remembered the Bible collection of my Dad. Borrowed it. I got stuck on a Translation that allowed me to read the 5 books of Moses within a week or two. During that time I discovered [this].
So, the whole Nasirite thing worked out for me. But, as it should become normal for my life - good things don't last for long. Just a few weeks or month (1 or 2) in I got a notice from the german armored forces - that it was my time for duty. And as always, I got my counter-notification out too late. So I got drafted. Yet, after 3 month they let me serve in civil services instead. Which means, ... helping out at a home for elderly, or refugees as in my case. Military Service usually was set to 9, and civil Service to 10 month. And during the remaining 7 month I had an office and a computer and time to write about my thoughts. And that was when I had to think about the Book of Moron again. Plus - during my time in the military I lost a bet that cost me my hair. So I had that urge to get baptised. I connected back to the 7th Day Adventists I grew up with - and, I didn't get the whole "I'm to be lectured" part of that and ended up quoting from the Quran even - regarding my perspective on religion. During that time I grew more paranoid about baptism - ... as though it could mess with my mind and get me on the wrong track. So I prayed to God and asked Him to somehow redeem me from that fate in case ... it was really the wrong way. And soon enough my teacher and I got into a heft argument that led him to proclaim that under these circumstances he couldn't baptise me.

I was walking home that day - and in a feeling of spite I somehow decided to become a Mormon. And it felt good. It felt right. But it wasn't really decided yet. I yet had to try one thing. A 'free' baptism. I so asked a friend to baptise me. But also there I was paranoid - so I let him speak a blessing of my choosing. He baptised me entirely wrong - for once - yet it felt like my hair wanted to 'fall off' - so, ... 'done'? Well, ... not entirely. I felt ... as in a prison. I didn't feel free. Everything felt wrong. Me curling together into embryo position wrong. I had at some point contacted the Mormon church via www.mormon.org - and soone enough an appointment was made, two missionaries came to visit me shortly thereafter; And I right away urged for a baptism. I didn't have a Testimony though. My decision was mostly established on the good feeling I had plus some other ... "evidence". Like - I had read about Teotihuacan ... and ... because the Daniel 7 prophecy (a time, two times and half of a time - until the beast will fall) only 'made sense' (in terms of that time being yet to come, the time when that time is over) is when considering the Phantom Time Theorem to be true (Council of Calcedon (450 ce) ... plus 3 1/2 years (1 day as 1 year = 1278,375 years) takes us to 1728 - while 2018-300=1718 - ...) - it also made sense to adjust the time periods of meso-america ... so, the maya told to have lived around 0 ce actually lived around 300 bce - which would have been the Jaredites (Book of Ether). Teotihuacan being built by people of whom no writings are known ... is ... mysterious. It was good enough for me ... to begin with.
Yet, soon enough I was again overcome by paranoia. Particularly from reading in the Doctrine & Covenants - another Mormon Book. I was somehow weirded out by their religion - and you'd get the same impression from reading about Mormonism online. So, from Ex-Mormons and Anti-Mormons. Yet my date for getting baptised was coming nearer - and again I wanted out in case it'd be wrong. So I prayed again, for a Testimony; And maybe it was just the weed - but it came as something more than just a fuzzy warmth. And ... by the way ... not right away. I prayed for a Testimony, ... but didn't expect an answer right away. It came later that day. And the Testimony was strong enough for me.

Slow motion: I so was sitting there in a friends room, watching TV or someone play a Video Game or whatever - while I was thinking about stuff and eventually I had to think about ... 'the Truth'. Well - not that I knew that it was it. It was just a random insight, for the sake of argument. I thought something along the lines of: The Church is true, but something is wrong with their Scriptures. And it came together as though golden, burning letters came together assembling that sentence and as it came together I was struck with a clear burning in my heart that basically engraved this meaning into my heart. Ever since then - nothing changed about that conclusion. The Church is true - which is easily explained by the presence of the Priesthood. Nothing else. Its the important bit. The 'true' authority to Baptise in the name of the Lord. And something was wrong with the Scriptures. The easiest way to relate to that is even contained within the Doctrine & Covenants, known as 'the Strange act'. (D&C 95:4 and 101:95). There isn't much context - except the one where it is therein declared that 'everyone' will understand.

So I was baptised March the 5th 2005 - and I guess it took me about 2 month to read enough of the Mormon lore to 'close' that Chapter of my life. But ... what next?

I returned to something I had on mind for some time. Assembling a new Bible. For that I had to plow through some Apokrypha - as that was the main ingredient. So, some Apokrypha clearly struck me as inspired - and I somehow wanted to merge them into a Diatessaron. I never got to finish that so far. But - anyhow. During that time I stumbled upon a bunch of very weird Apokrypha, namely the Nag Hammadi Codices. They were so weird I discarded them for being nonsense. Until ... one book made me aware of a weird thing some guy noticed about a particular book in there. I have marked it - but that book got lost. I bought it again but right now I'm too lazy to go look for it. The gist is that if you ignored the parts where the desciples spoke, ... the text would make sense. So, a riddle. And thus I had to think of those really weird scriptures again. And yes, that particular Apokryphon is also a part of the NHC. So I looked at them again - and soon enough ... I was there with the 'code' to entering 'Unification with the Allsurrounding Spirit'. I'll get to that in more detail somewhere else.

There was the mention of two conditions one must meet in order to "get in": a) being cleansed, and b) being invited by God. So - in other words: a) Baptism and b) Worthiness. That because being baptised doesn't make you worthy. If you so get baptised with some hidden agenda, like infiltration, ... you're not really in it for the right reason. Not to a capacity that would require anyone to trust you!
I was baptised - and I thought I was worthy, so I tried it ... and 'woosh'.

But yea, ... talking about it to anyone didn't really make a change either. So again I was stuck. I had something, again, for sure - and this time something really really big - but the ... entry barrier was definitely too high. But ... within reason. All you needed is Gods answer about where His Church is at, ... well, staying all in all true to God (who knows better than you when you're cheating on yourself) ... which "apparently" doesn't work with folks in this 'short lived' world. So, who might have enough patience to follow through with it? While I apparently am such a huge failure it makes for a far better sign - pointing in the opposite direction.

So did 2005 ultimately end with me being stuck in my loneliness - again - and if that wasn't bad enough, I also slipped and fell in Love with J.Lo. Well - yea! It made sense ... as she'd be one who could be the answer I was looking for. According to her Music she's a believer; ... and somehow ... her Music struck me as ... though ... she'd be waiting for me. So - not only her. After all - you can get the idea of 'Elijah' or 'Israel' ... as a prophet yet to come ... from how Jesus 'escaped' the question about Elijah as the Desciples asked him - or just reading Isaiah 41 and on.

But instead of help, ... it only brought about more problems. The stakes had been shifted against me - I was still alone and even crazier than before. I went "for" her 2 times. Once to NYC and then to LA - with actually no clue of how to find her. I ended up writing letters, telling her where I was ... and the words "like a coward you're leaving" echoed within my mind every once in a while. Though, I could tell that right back at her. However. I was in NYC in late 2005, ... and after summer 2006 went to LA. I stayed there for 3 month, ... and nearing the end of that time had ambitions to design a Video Game. Just inspired that way I then expanded on it back at home - later in 2007 started to learn programming - while basically still trying to convince J.Lo of the truth.
Eventually I gave up on her though.

Late 2008 I had something of a working program - but ... there were some strange issues. Some Code would just stop working although there could literally be no mistake in it. (Within a function I accessed a class via pointer. It worked just fine. Until I implemented an 'if' statement that tested for a variable in that class to be of some value and the program crashed.) With that problem there was no way of going on - and in my mind the sense of God echoed to me that I'd have to do better than that. I'd have to have better code. People would apparently analyze it really critically. And I still haven't really 'started' on the final product just yet. Just ... so you know.
Going into 2009 I then was inspired to think about designing an Operating System, ... and going into the second quarter, somewhen around that time - I was working on some Font - my inspiration all of a sudden collapsed, by which I mean that I could no longer think about continuing that work, while all I could think of was going to my Mums house and looking around for some way of ... recreation on the internet. I didn't have it at home. So, on my way I wondered what I might be looking for, and being somehow bi-curious I looked for something homosexual. Thats how I ended up working as an Escort.

Yea, you read that right. A "callboy". Prostitution. And I really enjoyed the company ... I never felt so much at home anywhere, never felt so comforted/comfortable - and the people there also liked me. So much that I eventually was put in charge of the whole establishment. Against my reservations though (I didn't feel fit to be in charge of something). It were dire times and I was sortof a backup. I stayed there, kept the place running while prostitution was pretty much a dieing thing due to the financial crisis. I mean, I heard stories from hookers "of the good old times" sotospeak whence there were customers around every corner - while "now" barely even one. So, we had rooms for rent. That kept the place afloat.
Sinful business?
Well - asking those people there, working as Sex-Workers or Dominos/Dominas, ... Slaves, whatever ... their main sense of life in that response is that the ordinary folks are hypocritical. And - who could blame them? I mean - you see what kind of people go there, either to rent a room with someone (its basically advertised as an 'affair room') or to get laid with some hooker or BDSM person, ... it are those sex-workers that can say that they at least are honest to themselves. To what they're into.
I'd say that my first customer was a married person. And if you're an adult man who has a family but you're bi-curious, what are your options? He was a gentle and polite ... plus a little bit shy man ... and there was, to me, nothing vile in him being there. I didn't feel "dirtied" by him - although, being new to this ... I didn't know how to 'be clean' - you know - the backdoor. I was learning as I was going. And by the time I had learned there was nothing to have learned for. It was ... over before it begun, practically.

It was rather early during that time that my grandfathers forgetfulness took over and my dad claimed ... the rights ... and as that had been established he kicked me out of the house. And while I liked where else I had been; And they were alright with me moving in, thats what I did.
It struck me as odd that business went downhill the moment I came in - and eventually came to blame myself; And intended to leave. That was like 1 or 2 years in. But they convinced me to stay. And I didn't really want to leave, ... so I stayed.

Somewhere in a corner of my mind I always suggested that people outside would be making fun of me. And there are stories. Like those two dudes who introduced themselves as 'wrestlers' - thinking to be some big honchos that I'd fall for fucking me for free. Standing there in the doorway with arms crossed before their chest like they were something. Hillarious!
The legends of Zombies and Werewolves were possibly invented by Prostitutes. Its ... been sortof eery how things changed during a full moon.
Drunkards stumbling up and down the stairway. Well, being called crazy for being prostituted has been a part of it too. As the saying goes: "I have seen horses puke in front of the pharmacy".

Anyhow. Something I learned during that time was ... Linux. "Thanks Henry!". I had plenty of opportunity to expand my horizon in a variety of ways. Since my parents were 7th Day Adventists and didn't like us to play Street Fighter, I finally had the chance to pick up a Street Fighter game and play the shit out of it. Besides I also got into World of Warcraft for some time, Minecraft ... and Starcraft 2. Well, things prostitutes do! It was a hooker that got me hooked on WoW!

But eventually the stress just got too much for me. I was still struggling to get my programming visions realized - but if I ever had a few hours of silence to get immersed into my code - thats been long! And even if only interrupted for a few minutes - thats been enough to get me disconnected. Then the noise! It eventually just got too much, things totally didn't work out anymore, and so leading up to Christmas 2013 I left - hitting the streets. So bad it was, that that has been the better option.

I wasn't alone by that time anymore. And since everything pointed into the direction of me being "reliefed", basically, ... I left. Not without things to maybe feel bad for. I wasn't leaving on a good note, but neither on a bad one. It didn't really feel right, ... like ... I generally had good body control, ... but moving down those stairs that time made me stumble. Like, in a way that'd make me feel embarassed if anyone had seen it. #Fail.
But it was the right thing to do.

Since I had experience with being homeless (NYC and LA) I knew to look for a shelter. I found one, got sent back and forth, got a place to stay - and by Christmas even found one taking me in for longer terms. SO I had a room and the chance to get my Netbook out and return to my projects in peace. Except ... inspiration wouldn't flow. The ambitions were clearly there, ... and in hindsight ... I really didn't have any sense of direction anymore. Yea, thats ... just the grind of time. I got used to being a failure, ... to being crazy, to being a laughing stock, ... so all I knew was to just get on with my "thing".
Maybe the real mistake was to register as unemployed and getting social money. Through that I got demanded to apply for a job and due to my inability to comply got stuck in some measurement. First one to focus on writing applications. Then one to get some structure into my life - and thats where I spent ... 2 years? Wait. So ... 2014 til, ... 2016? Yea. I got out last year, then into another measurement to focus on applications; But then I got into some more serious health issues, that, ... basically dominated this year.

Those 2 years were really cool. From the perspective of someone ... that doesn't really have that much of an awesome life. It was cool since I had the chance to work as part of a TV station. Well - something like that. klinik.tv is ... we, ... were to pick a topic for some video we could shoot here in Stuttgart, ... something informative, ... then research that topic, write some text, go shooting, piecing the video together and eventually have it broadcasted in the hospitals. They supported. And I think I really have a problem with Authority. But now you may wonder: Where is this story going?

It started amazing, and ended ... in utter meaninglessness. My first topic was Tai Chi - and that thing never aired I guess. It wasn't all that great either. I spent too much time doing other stuff. I spent a lot of time reading astronews and physics news and also on Kotaku. Kotaku was the first thing I quit because it just messed me up severly. There is a degree of addiction that comes along with this constant stream of information. You might check in every other hour and there would be a new topic. And the more you're used to it - the more empty your life feels without it. Then some topics just get you triggered and you end up arguing with people that seem to be only capable of disagreeing with you.

It was around that time - 2014 - where I found myself in my room, trying to figure out what to do with my time, where I remembered: There was this "Matrix" phenomenon. Like, when in a Disco I had the feeling that the music responded to me. When at my friends house, the guy who baptised me, and we played some Game like Def Jam Vendetta and music ran - it'd be playing 'for' me. 'With' me. (And at some point I guess he tried to copy that. Which is weird ... because that'd require him to actually have control of the TV station, ... so he knows the time when to switch there and do something, but thats another story). So I wondered: What if I take the Matrix movie, ... and some song, ... like, ... King of my Castle ... and do ... "this" ... and yea. It worked. I came back to it multiple times. The more I did it the more I had to think of someone listening in; Which I thought would be great. They listened in and so would have a record of what I did. I didn't immediately think that that might actually be a bad thing.

But well. It was a way to spend some time. One day I came home with some weed - and thought: Wow, now I can do this when 'high' - and ... after a while of jumping around ... I decided to just let it run. At some point I hit the bong, ... and as in slow motion I noticed the scene change while the track changed - and I figured: I can ... pinpoint this! I can ... I only have to note ... I mean, ... its human nature ... the song, I know that! And ... it only has to play there - its ... easy as fuck! So I watched it unfold and took notes of which tracks were playing. It was friday I guess ... and the following sunday I posted it on Capcom-Unity.

Its been the night from saturday to sunday where it struck me that I should actually be rather careful about doing this stuff. It also struck me that I should share this ASAP! Yea, time went by - and I still have some cam-records of some things I did ... which I'm looking forward to sharing with you eventually. I'm not sure if I can get them small enough to fit on my site - or if I should take them to YouTube. YouTube sucks by the way!

As ... almost everything these days!

Then the second big thing came around. This time it was more difficult to pinpoint things; But I had the list ... and access to Adobe Premiere Pro ... CS5 ... or whatsitsname ... so I made a Video, shared it ... and nothing.

I mean - in 'my' life there wasn't anything really interesting going on. So, this part is all about the Matrix and how it mattered to people elsehwere. And I don't know much about that. Or anything. All I know is that nobody came to talk to me about it. Or whenever I tried to show it to someone they ... somehow looked the other way. Like ... I had some contageous desease. I anyhow feel like everyone in Stuttgart knows me, thinking that I'm crazy, nuts or dangerous ... or to at least never respond to my religious ambitions. #FalseProphet?

The point where my Story picks back up is this year. My health issues. There is something about those 4 years. 4 Years in love with this person, 4 years with that other one, then 4 years being prostituted, 4 years of meaninglessness - and this year I had to really get to grips with my Trans-identity. I mean, I've been Trans-sexual since my Childhood ... if thats how to put it. I mean, Transsexuals are Transsexuals ... period. As by birth. One doesn't "become" Transsexual. One only gets to an age where the Trans identity begins to show. And how the person deals with it is ... at least in the time I grew up ... up to the individual. I'm not really extroverted or active, ... so I rather kept it to myself. I tried to get along as a guy, ... and eventually dismissed my Trans-identity to the point that I aspired to find a Job and get my life straight that way. But the outlook on a future based on that premise doesn't make me feel well. I then figure that either I'll stay as miserable as I am or I'll start to change while being somehow supposed to learn stuff ... for that work, or have my mind however 'at work' ... so ... health issues like that wouldn't work out. So I kindof 'had to' quit that measurement. I was stressed out by social life, ... I bunkered myself away, basically, and escaped into Video Games.
It may have stayed that way for some time. I was looking for a Psycho person, ... but never quite dared to make a call. Or to stick through the wait-loops until I finally got one to talk to. It was then a person from the "thing" that hosts the rooms in one of which I'm living right now to notice my loss of weight. I didn't feel healthy - I recognized the downward slope I've been on - and through a kick up my arse I got to my Doctor - with her - and that how things somehow got started.

I was first sent to a Neurologist who then started to dig for what reasons my underweight might have ... and as she asked those questions that were clearly looking for some emotional reasons, some unhappiness, ... I told her the only thing I knew about. That I'm transsexual. Being sent from A to B to C, back and forth, ... I'm still not in a therapy, but ... I'm on my way. I have found someone who's willing to take me in once a spot is available, which is probably going to be around mid january 2018 - and on the other side I'm not eating high calory foods to up my weight so I'm fit for it. While also the case is clear to me that it also comes down to me. So I've been making first steps, like telling my Mother ... or going dressed up when going out with friends.
Which happened once so far - which I add to say that I don't have a lot of social 'real life'. And being stuck here alone ... doesn't really change a lot about this situation; While it may have a bad effect - so - I should actually try and visit a self-aid group and if for just that purpose.

Make of it what you will. The way this story ends is within my real life, with me getting my life straight, ... making 'good' decisions for once, ... while the rest ... is really up to you. There certainly is a lot more that can be told, ... about all sorts of things; But to not distract from what matters ... allow yourself to be challenged to discover the not so ambiguous truth of my message. "Prove ye worthy, and all shall be revealed" (Merlin, Stargate SG1)

CNS/NCS 2017.12.18 | 06:49